Doing Just Fine

It's been over three years since I've posted ANYTHING to this blog. I know: it's been a long time! A lot of things happened over these past few years. I got dumped for someone who he knew could - and would - take care of him. I then almost died while turning 42. I've been part of two off Broadway runs in New York, and I celebrated my life (FINALLY) with the people I treasure the most in Mexico. Oh yeah: we're going though a worldwide pandemic and the President of the United States is treating it like he's still on reality television. So where should I start???

I'm going to give him very little space on my blog. He told me once, "The next woman I'm with will have to help me financially," and he got with someone who fit the bill. She even paid for their rings, including her engagement ring. 

That's it.

During October 2017, I wasn't feeling well. I thought I was coming down with either the flu or bronchitis. I wanted to go the emergency room, but Mama coerced me to visit Urgent Care around the corner from our house instead. I was diagnosed with bronchitis and given a prescription for cough medicine with codeine. A couple days later, I turned 42. I felt horrible. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't eat; I could barely walk around the house. Mom and sis bought a cake for my birthday, but my cousin who STILL lives with us ate most of it. 

I went back to work for a day. I was told by co-workers that I looked like death warmed over; I felt like it too. I ended up going home and staying there until I could find out what was really wrong. I could feel myself getting worse. I could barely breathe; I couldn't think about taking a deep breath. It hurt so bad, and I was really scared. I did keep a brave face, and looked for a new doctor since my current doctor no longer took my insurance.

My mom and I went to a hospital where the new doctor's office was located. I was escorted to a waiting room and told a nurse practitioner would see me shortly. Mama and I waited for what seemed like forever, until the office manager came into the room. She told us that because of a previous doctor that I filed two complaints on (because she called me fat and wrote it on paper), they wouldn't take me as a patient. My mom asked her, "What am I supposed to do? My baby is sick!" The woman told her to take me to the ER. I looked at her as I told my mom, "Take me to St. Mary's right now." 

Mama dropped me off at the door of St. Mary's ER. I walked in and told the registrant that I was in pain and I could barely breathe. Within 5 minutes, I was getting an EKG, blood pressure was checked, and blood was drawn. I was escorted back to the waiting area, where I sat for maybe 15 minutes. I was called to the back for a waiting room. Mama told me she would wait a moment before coming back. I was given a hospital gown, and given an IV of fluid. The nurses then took me to get more tests ran. I was taken back to my room, and a doctor walked in to talk to me. He recognized my anxiety and knew I was about to have an attack. He had a nurse give me something to calm down, as Mama came in. I was so happy to see her face. She brought another beautiful face with her: my aunt De-Rance! They both helped me with my anxiety. We sat in the room for about a half hour before the nurse and doctor returned with results from all of the tests. I didn't have bronchitis. I was having a pulmonary embolism. That's right; I was misdiagnosed. I had a blood clot in my right lung, and I needed prompt treatment! I was admitted immediately, and I was given a Heparin drip. Heparin is a blood thinner.

Mama was confused and scared. She didn't realize how sick I was. De-Rance was nervous as well. I was walking around for at least two weeks with this going on. Reality set in for us: I could've died. (I had to take a break because I broke down while typing that sentence.)

I stayed in the hospital for a day and a half. Mama stayed with me the entire time. De-Rance left and went home, and my sister came later on. The insurance company was giving the hospital the runaround and told them they wouldn't take care of my stay or anything else. The care worker came and told me this when Mama wasn't in the room, and I ended up having a panic attack. A doctor and a couple nurses came in to calm me down; one gave me a sedative intravenously. When Mama came back, the care worker told her what happened and why I was having an attack. Mama was pissed off! She couldn't believe that the care worker would tell me any of the information. She told her she'd handle my business from now on. I looked at her, and nodded.

Next thing I knew, she and De-Andrea were on the case. They took care of everything for me, and the insurance company acknowledge their mistake. I was discharged that same day because I was doing better. I was breathing better as well. They gave me medication to take home, and the number of a new doctor. I stayed home for a total three weeks, and I lost almost thirty pounds since I wasn't eating anything. I barely ate on Thanksgiving, and that hurt my soul.

It's been almost three years since the embolism, and I'm feeling ok. I'm not gonna lie; I have some difficult days due to other health issues. This getting old thing is a big pain... literally and figuratively. However, I am grateful that I'm living to feel every bit of it. I thank God for my chiropractor. LOL

I'll talk about other wonderful things in another post.

Be blessed!

Did You Miss Me?

Merry New Year!!! It's 2017, and I'm in St. Louis working at a Parallon Business Solutions. How did this happen??? LOL

Let's start at the beginning. I went to Atlanta to go to seminary. I ended up coming home in 2014 due to my mother getting sick. I praise God that she's doing much better now. I stayed home and stopped going to school. I ended up working at a collections agency; however I don't work on the phones. I make sure that our system matches the hospital system by posting payments and adjustments. Everything was going great, until May 13, 2016. That's the day my brother-in-love Alan died.

Alan drove himself to the hospital due to feeling tightness in his chest. The hospital ran all types of tests Thursday, and kept him overnight for observation. Friday afternoon, the doctors ran another test and found out that his aorta was ripping from his heart. The doctors were about to perform emergency surgery, but Alan closed his eyes one last time in his hospital room. My sister is broken, even after nine months. She decided to cut her hair, and I did the same. Thank God our hair is growing back!

I have worked at Parallon for two years now, and I'm now a Team Lead for our Reconciliation Team! I am still living with my mom, and I'm loving every minute of it, and so is she! I'm not leading Praise and Worship anywhere right now. I took a long-term hiatus from my personal ministry. I needed to go to my own 'desert' and sort things out with God. I needed to know why things were not going the way we all planned. I realized that the words I once heard from my mom were true: If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I now sing with two good friends of mine and their groups: my buddies Jesse Williams and Total Praise, and Phil Woodmore and the Woodmore Singers. I'll talk about their projects in another blog. Long story short, I'm having the time of my life with these two.

I have to get ready for work, but I wanted to post this and let you know that I'm doing well, and I'm taking life one day at a time.

Be blessed!

So long 2014

I don't know about you, but 2014 has been a doozie for me. I traveled between Atlanta and St. Louis, only to find myself moving back to St. Louis. I'm not upset about moving back home. In fact, I'm glad I'm home. My mom got really sick for a while, and I'm glad I was here when the ordeal happened. This is my blog about my life, so just know that she's doing much better now.

I also found myself saying goodbye to two really close people in my life: an ex-boyfriend and a person I've known since 1st grade. Let's start with the ex.

We've been exes longer than we were together. We were together for over a year, until he confessed he cheated on me and got someone pregnant. I was heartbroken then. About two years after, we ended up rekindling our friendship. That relationship lasted almost twenty years. Unfortunately, he reminded me of why we weren't in a relationship. He lied and did everything to avoid me. I completely disconnected myself from him, through social media and every other aspect. I would say that I miss his friendship, but I'd by lying. LOL

The other friendship had to end, and I had to end it. She kept assuming that I was interested in her husband.  She also showed her true foulness during a session we had. She started talking to me, asking how I was and talking about how I don't talk to her. (I just came back from Atlanta this time.) I told her I've been busy with work and church. While having this convo, she texted her husband asking why I'm acting funny with her. How do I know this, you ask??? I know because I received a text stating, "Whatever you're doing, stop. She's asking why you're funny acting," along with the screenshot. REALLY????? You think I want your husband, but I'm the funny acting one??? I would've talked to her about it, but this wasn't the first time I've had to go through this with her. I love her, but I can't deal with the foolishness. I'd rather say goodbye than put on a fake smile. I've never been fake, and I'm too old to start that craziness.

As 2014 draws to a close, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to failed friendships, goodbye to illness, goodbye to bad health, and goodbye to bad environments. As I say hello to 2015, I'm saying hello to new opportunities, hello to a new career, and hello to new friendships and relationships (hopefully). I'm staring a new job, continuing my education, and enjoying the skin I'm in. I can't wait to see what God has in store for the new year.

Be blessed. 

Last Girl Standing Pt. 2

So... it's been a year to the month since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the end of 2013. I traveled back and forth between St. Louis and Atlanta until the close of this year, when I moved back to St. Louis. It wasn't really by choice, but I don't regret the decisions made thus far.

Let's get down to the reason why I'm blogging, shall we?

I'm considering leaving the world of Gospel music. Yep, you read it right. I've been a part of the community since 2000. I've had ups and downs throughout my gospel singing 'career'. I can say I've had more up moments though. I've traveled to Italy for a 21-day tour that included singing at The Vatican for the late Pope John Paul II, behind Lionel Richie, Chuckii Booker, and the legendary Dionne Warwick alongside Jonathan Nelson and Purpose. That all happened thanks to Oscar. I've also sung behind phenoms like Karen Clark-Sheard, Hezekiah Walker and others. I've provided background work on numerous albums for Oscar, True Spirit, and other people. I did great work, and I did favors for friends (in other words, I sang for free). I've even helped turn crappy projects into great ones. (Some of them have been sold nationwide.)

I love Gospel music, but I'm losing the passion that I had when I started. I was young, excited about what was happening in churches other than the United Methodist Church. (My church is literally dying, but that's for another blog.) I was eager to learn from all these talented and anointed musicians and songwriters. I've networked with some of the best in the business, and I have phone numbers of wonderful forerunners of the gospel industry. If I don't have it, I know someone who does. All of that means absolutely nothing to me.

The gospel industry is not a money making avenue for me. I don't have an industry-driven voice or look. I've been told this numerous times, especially when it comes to my voice. It's strong enough for background work, but not solo worthy. Don't believe me? I have proof. I recently helped out a church with a Christmas program, and we ended up singing a song from a spring live recording. I had to back up someone as she sang the song that I did live vocals for. No foolin'. If anything, it showed me that I'll always be a great asset for background work. Then again, that may not be true. I flew somewhere to work on background vocals. We recorded for six straight days. To be honest, I don't think my vocals will be used for any of the projects; my voice wasn't really strong at that time.

I've grown tired of being used to make others look and sound good. A prominent Bishop once announced to his congregation that I'm one of the best background singers in the St. Louis area. Someone had to tell me what he said because I was busy giving an offering when he said it. I was humbled by the compliment, but at the same time I wondered if that was all I would become... a great background singer. Is that it? Is this all God wants for me and my voice? Am I good enough to lead one song, let alone an album?

Let me say this... I know what I can do, and what I can't do vocally. I have a range, and I can hold notes forever. I'm not a good runner, but I do what I can. It's amazing what I can do when I'm given freedom. At the same time, if you tell me not to do a lot, then I won't do a lot.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I'm going to stop singing altogether? Not really. I will be taking a break for a while... maybe a year. I'm considering leaving the groups and doing limited pop-ups at local church stuff. I'm never called to do any solo work, so laying low won't be too hard.

Be blessed.

Last Girl Standing

Have you ever been the kid in school who was picked last for sports teams in gym? Two of your classmates have to pick other classmates to make teams, and you look up and realize you're on a team cause you're the last girl standing. It's happened to me a lot... ok, all the time. I was never good at sports. I played instruments, not outside. I have always been an introvert anyway. Being teased half of my life helped with that as well.

As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel.  I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.

I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.

I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.

Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.

I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!

I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.

Be blessed.

Plans???

These past few days have been bad. I found myself falling into a deep depression. I started thinking about where I am in my life, and I began to feel disappointment, anger, and pain. I alienated myself from family and I stayed home alone on Christmas Day. People were calling and texting me. My sister even came over to see me. I didn't answer the door, since I was asleep anyway. I haven't talked to anyone, and it's Friday.

It's something when you do what you hope is God's will. I resigned from 3 jobs in St. Louis to move to Atlanta. Everything hasn't been going the way I expected. I've lost one uncle; another uncle has been diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemotherapy; I lost a family friend as well; and I got into a car accident on my way home. All of that happened within August and September.

I'm solely depending on my mother for EVERYTHING. She's taking care of me financially now, and I honestly don't like it. I appreciate everything that she does - don't get me wrong - but, I'm not the type of person who wants my bills paid by someone else. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, and to have that independence taken away is hellacious.

It's hard giving up everything to follow God's calling. Very hard. People call themselves bible scholars and Word followers, but how many are ready to follow His will? Matthew 16:24 states in the NIV, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." 

A lot of times, you hear from ministers that you don't appreciate what you have or where your help comes from until you've hit rock bottom. I say it's rubbish. When I had my jobs, I knew that God was still the provider. I acknowledged him as a healer when he healed my aunt from breast cancer in 1997. I didn't have to wait for my turn to have pre-cancerous cells and fibroids in my body to give God the praise that is due to Him. I was already healed mentally from the childhood demons, i.e. bullying, sexual abuse, etc. So my question is this: how much more do I have to go through, when I already recognize where my surplus comes from? How much more do I have to take my mother through? HOW MUCH MORE GOD?!?!? 

I'm in my room at home in St. Louis listening to music for a recording I'm participating in next month. I hear one of the songs written by Chris Watkins, and it's written with Jeremiah 29:11 in mind. The scripture states, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

I had to take a break because I couldn't see my screen through my tears...

It's hard to keep this in mind when you're going through crap. My cousin is FINALLY getting married and his family will be complete; my sister is a little over a year into her marriage, and her husband loves her unconditionally. I'm still alone. I've been alone since 2010, and it's hard when your last relationship was the only somewhat stable relationship you've ever had in life. (The first relationship was a bust. I was cheated on because I was a virgin. Go figure.) Now I'm surrounded by friends and family who have significant others, starting families, and have love. How do you not want to Mama Pope your wrists when there's NO ONE out there who wants to love you?

Then I read that God does have plans for my life... I wonder if it includes love. I wonder if it includes re-gaining my independence. I wonder if it includes happiness and joy. Only God knows, because I surely don't.

Until then, be blessed guys.

Moving Forward

It's been forever since I've blogged.  A whole lot has happened.  The biggest thing is I have moved from St. Louis to Atlanta.  I resigned from my 3 jobs for this move.  I am not regretful at all; this move is much bigger than what I think.  I have to admit; I miss my mom and sister sooooo much.  I said 'bye' to Mama the morning I left.  I didn't cry until she left for work.  Cooky came down to Atlanta with me, and she flew back home the next day.  Saying 'bye' to her was really rough.  I cried like a baby when we hugged.  I didn't want to let go, but I did and I watched her walk into the airport.

Since I've been in Atlanta, I unfortunately had a death in the family.  My uncle Ronnie passed away after having complications during a routine colonoscopy.  It was not the procedure that killed him; he failed to mention to the doctors his heart condition and the fact that he had diabetes.  I couldn't be home for his memorial service since classes started at seminary the same day.  Oh!  I didn't tell you.  I'm in Atlanta going to Gammon Theological Seminary, part of the Interdenominational Theological Center on the Clark-Atlanta University campus.  That's right; I'm back in school!  I'm staying in the Gammon dorm, in a room by myself equipped with its own bathroom. Thank God for the little things.  Tomorrow I'm going to visit the United Methodist church that's two blocks away from the ITC.

So how is Atlanta?  I live literally five minutes away from downtown.  That's really not new to me.  When I grew up in St. Louis, I lived about five minutes away from downtown... when my parents were married, that is.  I can see the skyline down the street from the entrance to the ITC.  The program I have enrolled in will take about 3 years, but I am more than determined to finish this race.  I have something that I didn't have before; confidence in myself.

If anything else happens, I'll do my best to blog about it. Until then...

Be blessed my loves!