So... it's been a year to the month since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the end of 2013. I traveled back and forth between St. Louis and Atlanta until the close of this year, when I moved back to St. Louis. It wasn't really by choice, but I don't regret the decisions made thus far.
Let's get down to the reason why I'm blogging, shall we?
I'm considering leaving the world of Gospel music. Yep, you read it right. I've been a part of the community since 2000. I've had ups and downs throughout my gospel singing 'career'. I can say I've had more up moments though. I've traveled to Italy for a 21-day tour that included singing at The Vatican for the late Pope John Paul II, behind Lionel Richie, Chuckii Booker, and the legendary Dionne Warwick alongside Jonathan Nelson and Purpose. That all happened thanks to Oscar. I've also sung behind phenoms like Karen Clark-Sheard, Hezekiah Walker and others. I've provided background work on numerous albums for Oscar, True Spirit, and other people. I did great work, and I did favors for friends (in other words, I sang for free). I've even helped turn crappy projects into great ones. (Some of them have been sold nationwide.)
I love Gospel music, but I'm losing the passion that I had when I started. I was young, excited about what was happening in churches other than the United Methodist Church. (My church is literally dying, but that's for another blog.) I was eager to learn from all these talented and anointed musicians and songwriters. I've networked with some of the best in the business, and I have phone numbers of wonderful forerunners of the gospel industry. If I don't have it, I know someone who does. All of that means absolutely nothing to me.
The gospel industry is not a money making avenue for me. I don't have an industry-driven voice or look. I've been told this numerous times, especially when it comes to my voice. It's strong enough for background work, but not solo worthy. Don't believe me? I have proof. I recently helped out a church with a Christmas program, and we ended up singing a song from a spring live recording. I had to back up someone as she sang the song that I did live vocals for. No foolin'. If anything, it showed me that I'll always be a great asset for background work. Then again, that may not be true. I flew somewhere to work on background vocals. We recorded for six straight days. To be honest, I don't think my vocals will be used for any of the projects; my voice wasn't really strong at that time.
I've grown tired of being used to make others look and sound good. A prominent Bishop once announced to his congregation that I'm one of the best background singers in the St. Louis area. Someone had to tell me what he said because I was busy giving an offering when he said it. I was humbled by the compliment, but at the same time I wondered if that was all I would become... a great background singer. Is that it? Is this all God wants for me and my voice? Am I good enough to lead one song, let alone an album?
Let me say this... I know what I can do, and what I can't do vocally. I have a range, and I can hold notes forever. I'm not a good runner, but I do what I can. It's amazing what I can do when I'm given freedom. At the same time, if you tell me not to do a lot, then I won't do a lot.
So what does this mean? Does it mean I'm going to stop singing altogether? Not really. I will be taking a break for a while... maybe a year. I'm considering leaving the groups and doing limited pop-ups at local church stuff. I'm never called to do any solo work, so laying low won't be too hard.
Be blessed.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Friday, December 27, 2013
Last Girl Standing
Have you ever been the kid in school who was picked last for sports teams in gym? Two of your classmates have to pick other classmates to make teams, and you look up and realize you're on a team cause you're the last girl standing. It's happened to me a lot... ok, all the time. I was never good at sports. I played instruments, not outside. I have always been an introvert anyway. Being teased half of my life helped with that as well.
As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel. I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.
I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.
I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.
Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.
I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.
Be blessed.
As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel. I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.
I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.
I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.
Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.
I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!
I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.
Be blessed.
Plans???
These past few days have been bad. I found myself falling into a deep depression. I started thinking about where I am in my life, and I began to feel disappointment, anger, and pain. I alienated myself from family and I stayed home alone on Christmas Day. People were calling and texting me. My sister even came over to see me. I didn't answer the door, since I was asleep anyway. I haven't talked to anyone, and it's Friday.
It's something when you do what you hope is God's will. I resigned from 3 jobs in St. Louis to move to Atlanta. Everything hasn't been going the way I expected. I've lost one uncle; another uncle has been diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemotherapy; I lost a family friend as well; and I got into a car accident on my way home. All of that happened within August and September.
I'm solely depending on my mother for EVERYTHING. She's taking care of me financially now, and I honestly don't like it. I appreciate everything that she does - don't get me wrong - but, I'm not the type of person who wants my bills paid by someone else. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, and to have that independence taken away is hellacious.
It's hard giving up everything to follow God's calling. Very hard. People call themselves bible scholars and Word followers, but how many are ready to follow His will? Matthew 16:24 states in the NIV, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
A lot of times, you hear from ministers that you don't appreciate what you have or where your help comes from until you've hit rock bottom. I say it's rubbish. When I had my jobs, I knew that God was still the provider. I acknowledged him as a healer when he healed my aunt from breast cancer in 1997. I didn't have to wait for my turn to have pre-cancerous cells and fibroids in my body to give God the praise that is due to Him. I was already healed mentally from the childhood demons, i.e. bullying, sexual abuse, etc. So my question is this: how much more do I have to go through, when I already recognize where my surplus comes from? How much more do I have to take my mother through? HOW MUCH MORE GOD?!?!?
It's something when you do what you hope is God's will. I resigned from 3 jobs in St. Louis to move to Atlanta. Everything hasn't been going the way I expected. I've lost one uncle; another uncle has been diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemotherapy; I lost a family friend as well; and I got into a car accident on my way home. All of that happened within August and September.
I'm solely depending on my mother for EVERYTHING. She's taking care of me financially now, and I honestly don't like it. I appreciate everything that she does - don't get me wrong - but, I'm not the type of person who wants my bills paid by someone else. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, and to have that independence taken away is hellacious.
It's hard giving up everything to follow God's calling. Very hard. People call themselves bible scholars and Word followers, but how many are ready to follow His will? Matthew 16:24 states in the NIV, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
A lot of times, you hear from ministers that you don't appreciate what you have or where your help comes from until you've hit rock bottom. I say it's rubbish. When I had my jobs, I knew that God was still the provider. I acknowledged him as a healer when he healed my aunt from breast cancer in 1997. I didn't have to wait for my turn to have pre-cancerous cells and fibroids in my body to give God the praise that is due to Him. I was already healed mentally from the childhood demons, i.e. bullying, sexual abuse, etc. So my question is this: how much more do I have to go through, when I already recognize where my surplus comes from? How much more do I have to take my mother through? HOW MUCH MORE GOD?!?!?
I'm in my room at home in St. Louis listening to music for a recording I'm participating in next month. I hear one of the songs written by Chris Watkins, and it's written with Jeremiah 29:11 in mind. The scripture states, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I had to take a break because I couldn't see my screen through my tears...
It's hard to keep this in mind when you're going through crap. My cousin is FINALLY getting married and his family will be complete; my sister is a little over a year into her marriage, and her husband loves her unconditionally. I'm still alone. I've been alone since 2010, and it's hard when your last relationship was the only somewhat stable relationship you've ever had in life. (The first relationship was a bust. I was cheated on because I was a virgin. Go figure.) Now I'm surrounded by friends and family who have significant others, starting families, and have love. How do you not want to Mama Pope your wrists when there's NO ONE out there who wants to love you?
Then I read that God does have plans for my life... I wonder if it includes love. I wonder if it includes re-gaining my independence. I wonder if it includes happiness and joy. Only God knows, because I surely don't.
Until then, be blessed guys.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Moving Forward
It's been forever since I've blogged. A whole lot has happened. The biggest thing is I have moved from St. Louis to Atlanta. I resigned from my 3 jobs for this move. I am not regretful at all; this move is much bigger than what I think. I have to admit; I miss my mom and sister sooooo much. I said 'bye' to Mama the morning I left. I didn't cry until she left for work. Cooky came down to Atlanta with me, and she flew back home the next day. Saying 'bye' to her was really rough. I cried like a baby when we hugged. I didn't want to let go, but I did and I watched her walk into the airport.
Since I've been in Atlanta, I unfortunately had a death in the family. My uncle Ronnie passed away after having complications during a routine colonoscopy. It was not the procedure that killed him; he failed to mention to the doctors his heart condition and the fact that he had diabetes. I couldn't be home for his memorial service since classes started at seminary the same day. Oh! I didn't tell you. I'm in Atlanta going to Gammon Theological Seminary, part of the Interdenominational Theological Center on the Clark-Atlanta University campus. That's right; I'm back in school! I'm staying in the Gammon dorm, in a room by myself equipped with its own bathroom. Thank God for the little things. Tomorrow I'm going to visit the United Methodist church that's two blocks away from the ITC.
So how is Atlanta? I live literally five minutes away from downtown. That's really not new to me. When I grew up in St. Louis, I lived about five minutes away from downtown... when my parents were married, that is. I can see the skyline down the street from the entrance to the ITC. The program I have enrolled in will take about 3 years, but I am more than determined to finish this race. I have something that I didn't have before; confidence in myself.
If anything else happens, I'll do my best to blog about it. Until then...
Be blessed my loves!
Since I've been in Atlanta, I unfortunately had a death in the family. My uncle Ronnie passed away after having complications during a routine colonoscopy. It was not the procedure that killed him; he failed to mention to the doctors his heart condition and the fact that he had diabetes. I couldn't be home for his memorial service since classes started at seminary the same day. Oh! I didn't tell you. I'm in Atlanta going to Gammon Theological Seminary, part of the Interdenominational Theological Center on the Clark-Atlanta University campus. That's right; I'm back in school! I'm staying in the Gammon dorm, in a room by myself equipped with its own bathroom. Thank God for the little things. Tomorrow I'm going to visit the United Methodist church that's two blocks away from the ITC.
So how is Atlanta? I live literally five minutes away from downtown. That's really not new to me. When I grew up in St. Louis, I lived about five minutes away from downtown... when my parents were married, that is. I can see the skyline down the street from the entrance to the ITC. The program I have enrolled in will take about 3 years, but I am more than determined to finish this race. I have something that I didn't have before; confidence in myself.
If anything else happens, I'll do my best to blog about it. Until then...
Be blessed my loves!
Friday, December 28, 2012
New Year, New Beginnings
Happy holidays! I pray that your holidays are filled with love, laughter, toys and goodies. My holiday season has been filled with rest... a lot of rest. I did absolutely nothing this week. I am taking a break from packing right now to write to you guys.
I'm going out of town to Nebraska for the last time. There really isn't a reason for me to go up. I thought about cancelling the trip, but it's too late. No refunds, all types of cancellation fees. Therefore, I will go and hang out with the fellas... JUST the fellas.
As the year closes, I have been reflecting on things that happened within these past 12 months. My sister got married, I went through therapy for my self-esteem and daddy issues, and I was invited to move to Atlanta next fall. I was recently asked if I had any regrets. I can't do anything about regrets. I learn from my mistakes, and I do my best to move on. Life is too short to hold on to memories and feelings from past experiences. It's important for us to let go of our past so we can take hold of our future. My future looks bright, and I am seriously looking forward to what may come my way.
Happy New Year, and be blessed.
I'm going out of town to Nebraska for the last time. There really isn't a reason for me to go up. I thought about cancelling the trip, but it's too late. No refunds, all types of cancellation fees. Therefore, I will go and hang out with the fellas... JUST the fellas.
As the year closes, I have been reflecting on things that happened within these past 12 months. My sister got married, I went through therapy for my self-esteem and daddy issues, and I was invited to move to Atlanta next fall. I was recently asked if I had any regrets. I can't do anything about regrets. I learn from my mistakes, and I do my best to move on. Life is too short to hold on to memories and feelings from past experiences. It's important for us to let go of our past so we can take hold of our future. My future looks bright, and I am seriously looking forward to what may come my way.
Happy New Year, and be blessed.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
I'm Still Alive
Hello world!
It's been a long time since I've blogged about the happenings in my life. There have been some changes. One of the most important changes is that my sister is now a Mrs. She got married last month. The wedding was beautiful, just like she was. The reception was even better. That's all I have to say about that. LOL Seriously, the entire day was gorgeous. The weather was perfect. The bridal party looked lovely; I paid to have the bridesmaids' makeup done except for mine. I did my own face, thank you. The wedding coordinators were awesome; our friends Craig and Toni volunteered their services, and they were fabulous! I was in charge of the music, so I got my MD Will and some other buddies of ours to sing and play. They did an excellent job. Mama was OK, until she gave my sissy away. Then the tears flowed. Once Mama started crying, we all started crying... well, everyone but Cooky. She didn't cry until she heard the scripture from her friend. The ceremony was quick, but nice. We then took pictures in the sanctuary, and I signed the marriage licenses as a witness. We took pictures earlier at a park that wasn't too far from the church. I can't wait to see how they all turned out.
Our family has another wedding coming up... tomorrow! A cousin of mine and her fiance came back to town for their wedding ceremony. I'm doing the maid of honor's makeup, and possibly the bride's. I'm also singing during the ceremony. Not sure when, but I'll find out today.
I am still a candidate for ministry. I recently took a series of psychological tests. It's one of the many things I have to do as a candidate in the United Methodist Church. I guess they want to make sure I'm hearing the voice of God and not just voices. LOL Anyway, I'm glad that it's over with. The first test consisted of 567 true or false questions, and the second test had almost 400 yes, no, or maybe questions. I then had to fill out a thick packet that asked for my information, including my height, weight, car loans, criminal record, what color underwear I like (just kidding), etc. I was writing and filling in circles from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. No, really. If I wasn't crazy before, I may be now. I know I'm tired of seeing circles and scan tron sheets.
The Praise Team is still going strong. We have a newer member who has a great blending voice. I'm also trying to help them learn more about what it means to be on the team. I talked a little bit about a spiritual gift last night: the spirit of discernment. They seemed to be interested in the topic, so I asked them to search for information about it. We ended with prayer and I gave CD's of new songs for us to learn.
I'm still delivering sermons as well. I've been preaching every 4th Sunday of every month. I'm preaching this Sunday coming up in fact. I think I may be preaching from Psalm 34... I will bless the Lord at all times... We'll see what happens.
Be blessed everyone.
It's been a long time since I've blogged about the happenings in my life. There have been some changes. One of the most important changes is that my sister is now a Mrs. She got married last month. The wedding was beautiful, just like she was. The reception was even better. That's all I have to say about that. LOL Seriously, the entire day was gorgeous. The weather was perfect. The bridal party looked lovely; I paid to have the bridesmaids' makeup done except for mine. I did my own face, thank you. The wedding coordinators were awesome; our friends Craig and Toni volunteered their services, and they were fabulous! I was in charge of the music, so I got my MD Will and some other buddies of ours to sing and play. They did an excellent job. Mama was OK, until she gave my sissy away. Then the tears flowed. Once Mama started crying, we all started crying... well, everyone but Cooky. She didn't cry until she heard the scripture from her friend. The ceremony was quick, but nice. We then took pictures in the sanctuary, and I signed the marriage licenses as a witness. We took pictures earlier at a park that wasn't too far from the church. I can't wait to see how they all turned out.
Our family has another wedding coming up... tomorrow! A cousin of mine and her fiance came back to town for their wedding ceremony. I'm doing the maid of honor's makeup, and possibly the bride's. I'm also singing during the ceremony. Not sure when, but I'll find out today.
I am still a candidate for ministry. I recently took a series of psychological tests. It's one of the many things I have to do as a candidate in the United Methodist Church. I guess they want to make sure I'm hearing the voice of God and not just voices. LOL Anyway, I'm glad that it's over with. The first test consisted of 567 true or false questions, and the second test had almost 400 yes, no, or maybe questions. I then had to fill out a thick packet that asked for my information, including my height, weight, car loans, criminal record, what color underwear I like (just kidding), etc. I was writing and filling in circles from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. No, really. If I wasn't crazy before, I may be now. I know I'm tired of seeing circles and scan tron sheets.
The Praise Team is still going strong. We have a newer member who has a great blending voice. I'm also trying to help them learn more about what it means to be on the team. I talked a little bit about a spiritual gift last night: the spirit of discernment. They seemed to be interested in the topic, so I asked them to search for information about it. We ended with prayer and I gave CD's of new songs for us to learn.
I'm still delivering sermons as well. I've been preaching every 4th Sunday of every month. I'm preaching this Sunday coming up in fact. I think I may be preaching from Psalm 34... I will bless the Lord at all times... We'll see what happens.
Be blessed everyone.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Insecurity
If you look at my recent picture, you would think I'm doing fine and I don't have too many worries in the world. Honey, I look like that because of MAC and Urban Decay. LOL It's funny how we put on our masks, our makeup to hide the scars and blemishes. Not just the visible ones, but the invisible scars as well. I'm talking about all of the hurt and pain that we deal with on an everyday basis. Every one of us deal with inner demons. It could be anger, sadness, self-degradation, alcoholism, even church hurt. For me, it's a little bit of all of them. My biggest demon is insecurity.
Growing up wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't all good. Without giving all the details, I witnessed some events in my life that I shouldn't have. I am also a victim of situations that were way beyond my control. There were times when I received verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from people who claimed to have loved me... my family. I was called fat, ugly, buffalo butt, and even bullied. All of that happened before I went to school. It wasn't too bad until I went to the fourth grade. I was bullied too many times to count by Carlos T. He would make fun of my size, pull my hair, and eventually beat me up on the playground. My teacher, Joyce Buck, didn't do much to prevent it. She later became a principal at the building where I worked. I remember when I fell and fractured my ankle. Buck saw that it was me on the ground, and she kept walking. Two weeks later, she wrote me up for not doing my full cafeteria duty... while I was in a cast!
Going back to elementary days... I transferred before fifth grade, and I was met by more bullies. There were these two guys who made fun of me, and called me... get this... GRACE JONES! First of all, I think Grace Jones is a beautiful woman. Her dark complexion is flawless to me. Second, I'm not even close to the same complexion! I'm much lighter, and I had long ponytails. Because I was a festively plump little girl, these boys decided to call me whatever they thought was not attractive.
The insults didn't stop there. I was also insulted as a kid at church. I can remember this lady... Sharon W. ...tell me, "You sounded really great, but your sister is pretty." Can you imagine being around ten years old, and hearing this from someone you thought was a pretty lady? I have to say that my mother came to my rescue that day. She heard her and said, "Both of my girls are pretty." The damage was already done though.
Hearing things like this from home, school and church can make a little girl feel worthless, sad, depressed, and lonely. You grow up having issues because of what affected you as a child, and the past hurts jeopardize the possibilities of having a happy, healthy relationship with anyone who comes your way. You feel as if you don't deserve their love and affection, and you say anything that you are feeling at that moment.
I have felt so worthless to the point of attempting suicide... three times. The last time was a bit rough. I took a handful of vicodin and prescription naproxen. I should be dead. God had another plan for me instead of death. I woke up after sleeping for almost 24 hours. I became depressed again, but God came to me and told me He wasn't through with me. He then told me to read Psalm 139. After reading the entire Psalm, I realized that if no one - including myself - had loving thoughts about me, God had more than plenty. God knew who I was before I was created, and he had purpose for my life. He still does!
I am still dealing with insecurity and depression everyday of my life. It's hard keeping it at bay when there are still people in my life spewing insults just because. The great thing is that there are more loving people in my life now than there are insulting idiots. They can still sometimes get to me; but because I know who I am and WHOSE I am, it doesn't hurt as much. I'm still feeling insecure when it comes to certain relationships, but I'm working on that. It's an everyday challenge, but I'm willing to take it on in order to gain happiness and joy in my life. You know, that's the thing. For the longest, I didn't think that I deserved to be loved by another person because of who I am, how I look, how I sound, my past mistakes, etc. I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be blessed beyond measure. My Father told me so.
I dedicate this blog entry to James Blaylock, Jr. He loved me the best way he knew how to until death. I miss you Daddy.
Be blessed.
Growing up wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't all good. Without giving all the details, I witnessed some events in my life that I shouldn't have. I am also a victim of situations that were way beyond my control. There were times when I received verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from people who claimed to have loved me... my family. I was called fat, ugly, buffalo butt, and even bullied. All of that happened before I went to school. It wasn't too bad until I went to the fourth grade. I was bullied too many times to count by Carlos T. He would make fun of my size, pull my hair, and eventually beat me up on the playground. My teacher, Joyce Buck, didn't do much to prevent it. She later became a principal at the building where I worked. I remember when I fell and fractured my ankle. Buck saw that it was me on the ground, and she kept walking. Two weeks later, she wrote me up for not doing my full cafeteria duty... while I was in a cast!
Going back to elementary days... I transferred before fifth grade, and I was met by more bullies. There were these two guys who made fun of me, and called me... get this... GRACE JONES! First of all, I think Grace Jones is a beautiful woman. Her dark complexion is flawless to me. Second, I'm not even close to the same complexion! I'm much lighter, and I had long ponytails. Because I was a festively plump little girl, these boys decided to call me whatever they thought was not attractive.
The insults didn't stop there. I was also insulted as a kid at church. I can remember this lady... Sharon W. ...tell me, "You sounded really great, but your sister is pretty." Can you imagine being around ten years old, and hearing this from someone you thought was a pretty lady? I have to say that my mother came to my rescue that day. She heard her and said, "Both of my girls are pretty." The damage was already done though.
Hearing things like this from home, school and church can make a little girl feel worthless, sad, depressed, and lonely. You grow up having issues because of what affected you as a child, and the past hurts jeopardize the possibilities of having a happy, healthy relationship with anyone who comes your way. You feel as if you don't deserve their love and affection, and you say anything that you are feeling at that moment.
I have felt so worthless to the point of attempting suicide... three times. The last time was a bit rough. I took a handful of vicodin and prescription naproxen. I should be dead. God had another plan for me instead of death. I woke up after sleeping for almost 24 hours. I became depressed again, but God came to me and told me He wasn't through with me. He then told me to read Psalm 139. After reading the entire Psalm, I realized that if no one - including myself - had loving thoughts about me, God had more than plenty. God knew who I was before I was created, and he had purpose for my life. He still does!
I am still dealing with insecurity and depression everyday of my life. It's hard keeping it at bay when there are still people in my life spewing insults just because. The great thing is that there are more loving people in my life now than there are insulting idiots. They can still sometimes get to me; but because I know who I am and WHOSE I am, it doesn't hurt as much. I'm still feeling insecure when it comes to certain relationships, but I'm working on that. It's an everyday challenge, but I'm willing to take it on in order to gain happiness and joy in my life. You know, that's the thing. For the longest, I didn't think that I deserved to be loved by another person because of who I am, how I look, how I sound, my past mistakes, etc. I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be blessed beyond measure. My Father told me so.
I dedicate this blog entry to James Blaylock, Jr. He loved me the best way he knew how to until death. I miss you Daddy.
Be blessed.
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