The Man or the Connection?

So I'm sitting here at school trying to work on my sermon, but my mind has been on other subjects.  Particularly, the last person that I became interested in.  I will be honest with you:  I have been hurting for almost a year regarding my feelings for this guy.  I have known him for a long time... over ten years.  I considered him to be one of my best friends.  I was able to talk to him about everything, including things that I couldn't talk to my mother about.  He was always there for me with words of encouragement and chastisement when needed.  I knew that I could trust him with my life.

Last year, we started getting closer.  We became really comfortable with each other, and started talking more about what was going on in our lives.  I talked about why I left my previous relationship, and he started talking more about his.  Then in May, it happened.  He started flirting.  I was at first resistant because I knew that he was just hurting and he needed an outlet.  I said nothing, and I did nothing... at least I thought I did.  Two months later, we finally revealed our feelings to one another.  The only difference was that he developed feelings within a few months.  I developed feelings within almost 2 years.  Feelings were expressed, and a connection was made.  Unfortunately, that connection was not felt the same way.  For him, the connection was a possible escape from the problems he was dealing with.  For me, the connection was a feeling of euphoria.  I have been in relationships before, but I never experienced anything like this.  

Time has past, and he is still in his relationship.  It hurts like hell.  I have been wondering why I could be so foolish to develop feelings for someone who did not feel for me, what I feel for him.  Yeah, I still have feelings; can't turn them off like a light switch, although it would be so easy if I could.  I hate that we could look in each other's eyes and feel something without saying anything. I hate that this person inspires me to be more and do more than what I'm doing now.  I started working on a jazz set list because of him; I even started writing songs because of him.  I'm not a songwriter! Yet, I've have written a particular song that I know will bless people.  Since I have tried to let go of my feelings, I have lost the will to write, and I'm letting go of singing jazz.  I'm doing my best to consume myself with ministry.  I've started reading the Word more, listening to my podcasts from Church of the Resurrection, and buying new gospel cd's.  Nothing has worked.  I tried to go to sleep last night listening to one of my cd's, and I couldn't do it.  I started analyzing what I was listening to; the musicality, the instrumentation, everything.  That's something that he would do.  I couldn't take it, so I turned my music off.  I laid in my bed and started praying and crying to God.  I prayed that he would take this hurt away.  I then wondered if I was going through this because of mistakes that I have made in the past.  

My last relationship lasted 4 years.  It ended because he didn't have time for me.  He worked on his job everyday, and worked on cars almost every night.  He invested in Halloween animatronics and old cars more than in our relationship.We grew apart, and our relationship ended after I betrayed him.

You may be asking: why are you telling us all of this De-Rance?  Here's the thing. I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.  I'm definitely not going to be the last.  Hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes before making their own.  I digress...

During the 4-year period, I never felt a true connection.  I loved him, but I was never truly in love.  I was with him, and I stayed with him because I felt like there was no one else in the world who would want to be with me.  He liked holding me.  He liked being around me, whenever he made time.  I got tired of not having a lot of that time with him, so I looked elsewhere.  I broke everything off, knowing what I did.  I haven't told him, because it turns out that every woman who has left him has done the same thing.  Kind of rough, right?

So then I have this connection with a guy who I've known forever.  It's something that I've never tapped into, and it's a feeling that I know I want again.  I have started to ask myself, was I in love with the person, or was I in love with the connection?  Will I ever experience that type of connection again?  I don't have the answers right now.  What I do know is this.  I keep hearing the word, "Wait."  I have heard that word since the beginning of last summer.  I've heard it through the Word, when people have preached, and even from Him.  During the fall, I was feeling down until I read His Word one night.  It was another scripture that told me to wait.

I recently talked to the guy and told him that I was going to stop the frequent phone calls and texts, because it was torture for me.  I revealed the way I truly felt.  I told him that I was in love with him, and my heart hurts because I knew that he does not feel the same way.  He is still a good friend of mine, but a distant friend.  I only talk to him about ministry and business stuff.  I am concentrating more on what God wants me to do, but it's hard because he was one of the major influences in what I do.  I know that I will get through this with God's help.

OK.  Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I think I can work on my sermon.  I'm preaching on what our church recognizes to be Transfiguration Sunday.  It's the moment when Jesus is on the mountain, and His glory is revealed as he is joined by Elijah and Moses.  The wheels are turning.  Gotta go!

Be blessed.