Don't feel bad; they hate me too.

Hey there.  I know it's been forever since I've blogged on here.  A lot has been going on.  Where should I start?

So... I went to visit family and friends in Omaha, NE for New Year's.  I had a blast spending time with old and new friends.  I realized that I am friends with some of the most talented musicians out there.  No, really.  These guys travel everywhere to play in concerts and on recordings.  They're that talented... oh wait!  They've been on some of the same recordings as I... I'm that talented too! lol

Anyway, I sang at two churches while I was there.  I sang at Salem Baptist Church for their New Year's Night Watch service.  That service was awesome; better than what I thought it would be.  Sunday morning, I ended up singing at a cousin's church.  The service started at 11, and ended at 2.  Being a United Methodist, I ain't used to that anymore.  That's right, I typed ain't.  I can't really describe the service by typing; you have to hear me in order to get a full glimpse of what happened.

Tuesday morning, I flew from Omaha to Grand Rapids, Michigan to audition for a background singer position with Marvin Sapp.  The audition went pretty well.  It was for 30 seconds though.  Anyway, I flew back to Omaha, and stayed there until Wednesday afternoon.

A few weeks later, I was talking to a friend of mine while preparing for a performance.  He was feeling down because of issues at home.  Unfortunately, the issues at home were spilling out to other entities in his life.  Long story short, my MD had to stop being my MD, and he couldn't play for me anymore for anything.  I was hurt, but I somewhat understood that he had to take care of home first.  A couple of days later, we had a deep conversation.  I found out that there were more issues going on besides the ones at home, and I was one of the issues.  Honestly, I was shocked.  What really shocked me is that someone whom I have known for over 30 years would assume that I would jeopardize someone else' marriage.  I later found out that there were other people talking and assuming the same thing.

I was hurt!  I was upset!  I was pissed off!  Why would people talk about me like this?  What did I do to deserve this?  I spent a few days talking to my true, best friends about the situation.  While talking to one of them, I broke down and started crying because I couldn't believe that people would think so low of me to start talking about me like this.  I would never dream of doing something so hurtful and shady to my friend, yet she started to believe it.  It started affecting me physically.  My back started hurting again; I got really sick Sunday morning before ministering at a visiting church; I couldn't think straight.

I prayed about it, and God answered me through His word.  I opened my bible, and ended up at John 15:18 & 19.  It states in the New International Version:  "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."


I then remembered that whenever something good is about to happen in my life, that is when I have to go through trials.  I also remembered that the enemy uses his old tricks, with new people.  He usually selects people that you would not ever expect.  That way, you can get even more distracted from whatever it is God wants you to do to build His kingdom.  


Later on Sunday evening after the Super Bowl, I went onto Facebook and Twitter and changed my status to this:

To the haters, naysayers, and others that want to spread lies about me... you're only making me stronger. Thanks. :-)

I'm not going to let the enemy and/or his village idiots distract me from the prize that God has for me.  I've come too far, and I have a lot more work to do. I believe that as long as I keep myself prayed up... and my true prayer warriors keep praying for me... then the enemy's weapons will not prosper.  

I'll write again soon.  I promise. :-)

Be blessed.

Moving Forward

So... I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I've started working out again.  My legs hurt, but they're gonna look so good when I'm wearing my heels. I'm also making moves with my music.  I'm still praise & worship leader at church, but I'm venturing outside of church.

I decided to audition for a couple of openings.  The Muny here in St. Louis is doing a production of Dreamgirls.  I'm going to audition for the role "Effie".  You know... "And I'm telling you, I'm not going..."  yeah, that role.  I'm also going to be a featured artist at our church's Table of Eights fundraiser.  I'm doing a jazz set instead of gospel, which is what I'm known for.  I want to do something different; get out of this rut that I'm in.  I'm also working on another project.

I receive a newsletter called the Belle Report Mondays-Fridays.  I read the one from yesterday, and I read that Marvin Sapp is looking for new background vocalists.  I decided to put my name in the hat and try for an audition.  I know that thousands of people are going to do the same, but I figure that I have the same chance as they.  Plus, I have plenty of experience.  Do you know who I've sung with?  The list is too long, so I'll spare the details and name dropping. lol

When you pray today, pray for me.  I'm claiming nothing but positivity for 2012.  I need it after these past few months. lol

Be blessed.

Eh...

Ever had one of those days when you just feel... eh?  That's how I've been feeling recently.  Not bad, not good.  Just 'eh'. I'm getting bored, and I don't like it.

I'm getting bored with my church.  I love that there are great changes going on, but I'm not really feeling the music ministry right now.  I feel like I'm not growing anymore.

Honestly, I'm getting bored with the other music ministries that I'm a part of.  I haven't said anything to anyone, but I'm feeling stuck.  There's no growth.  I feel like I'm not being used to my fullest capacity.  Granted, I know that these are not my groups and I know my place in them.  However, I still like there's no room for me to grow anymore.

As one of the music leaders at church, it's my responsibility to help those who are following me, grow and mature in Christ.  I thank God that I'm able to do this, but I'm feeling drained and empty. I've been going to Christian Leadership College, and I've been taking these Lay Leader classes as well.  Although I would take the classes again, I still feel like I'm missing something.  I can't place my finger on it though.

Recently, I officially became a candidate for ordained ministry.  I should be excited about this, but I'm not.  I'm not sad... just feeling, 'eh'.  I'm feeling more of that wonderful quote, "To whom much is given, much is required."  I oftentimes wonder if I really have the gifts that others see in me.  If I do, then why don't I feel like it?  Why am I losing interest in Praise & Worship at my church?  More importantly, why do I feel like just giving up on my ministry altogether?

Revelations...

This past week has been interesting.  It started with a conversation with God.  He told me to sit down and write everything that ever happened to me while growing up.  I ended up writing pages and pages of occurrences, and I started crying because I realized for the first time in a long time how much I have been through.  I went through a lot of turmoil before I hit the age 10.

I was wondering, why do you have me going down memory lane?  Do you want me to hurt again?  Then God revealed to me a specific pattern that I've been going down in my life... pertaining to the opposite sex.  I have the tendency of attracting the wrong kind of men... unavailable men.   They're unavailable one way or another.  There are other problems that relate to my past, but it's too personal.

Near the end of the week and on my 36th birthday, I have realized that my past does not have to predict my future.  I have also realized that I am worth more than I think I am.  I don't have to sink low to have a man in my life.  That man has to come up to my level if he wants to be with me.  Psalm 139:14 states, I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  How dare we not think highly of ourselves; we're made in God's image!  What could be more beautiful than that?!?

Be blessed.

Awesome Sunday

Hey gang.

Sunday was wonderful.  We sang "Because of the Blood" Sunday morning at both services.  One person led it for the 8:30 service since I had to deliver the sermon.  I sang it during the 11:00 service.  I did some shoutin' myself. lol  I am sooooooo glad that we have a new musician.  He brings so much to the service.  So refreshing.

After that, I went to my friend Kyle Kelley's church and participated in his FLOW concert.  That, ma'am/sir, was an awesome experience!  There wasn't a format; it was all about flowing with the Spirit.  It lasted about 2 1/2 hours.  I felt refreshed again.

I was so tired when everything was over.  It was a different kind of tiredness, though.  It was one of those "I got things accomplished" kinds.  I was excited, happy, and drained at the same time.  I felt like God used me; wow!  That's it!  I became an empty vessel for God.  He filled me up, and used me all day to serve His people.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about: serving God's kingdom!  We need to remember that we are vessels whose purpose is to be continually used by God for building His kingdom.  We want to sing songs like "Have Thine Own Way," but do we really mean it?  I am glad to answer a resounding YES!!!

What will your answer be?  Think about it...

Be blessed.

Sermon #3

I'm sitting here trying to work on my sermon for Sunday morning, but my mind has been occupied.  I thought that I knew what I was going to talk about, especially with everything that I've been through recently.  Honestly, I have no clue.  This past week has been filled with ups and downs... more downs.

How do you feel when you're rejected?  Upset? Hurt? Pissed?  Yeah, that's how I feel.  It's no one's fault but mine.  I fell for someone who didn't fall for me; he told me this week.  It hurts really bad, because I felt like we grew to know more about each other and understand each other more.  This guy makes me want to be more than what I am. Yeah, he still does.  I hated that I revealed my feelings to him.  It was only because he revealed his feelings (so I thought) to me.  I talked to God about how I felt, and He told me "Wait."  I thought I did.  In the end, I still got burned.

So now I'm at that point where I don't think I'll be found by a man who wants all of me, not just pieces of me.  I haven't been here in a long time; not even after leaving my last boyfriend last year.  Why is this effecting me like this?  I have no clue.  Y'all need to pray for your girl.  I'm trying to get him off my mind, but he keeps popping up like a whack-a-mole!  I needed that laugh.  Anyway, I gotta get myself together so I can preach to the congregation Sunday.  May need to fast for clarity.

Be blessed.

JEHOVAH-RAPHA

Hey gang.  I have some great news to share with you guys.  I need to start from the beginning with this one though, so here it goes...

The year 2004 was a rough year for me.  I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS), and pre-cancerous cells were discovered as well.  The cells were removed, but I was in a deep depression.  I attempted to take my life by swallowing a handful of vicodin and darvocet.  I shouldn't be alive today!

Fast forward to August 2011.  I have been dealing with severe pain in my hip area as well.  I went to the doctor to let her know what was happening.  I had an ultrasound and blood work done.  The next Monday after running all of the tests, my doctor called me and told me that there were fibroids in my uterus.  When I asked her about the lump near my hip in the groin area, she stated that it wasn't gynecological, and I need to see my regular doctor about it.

I talked to my family and a few friends about what was going on.  I decided to go on with the procedure, which is known as a hysteroscopy and d & c (dilation and curettage).

The procedure took place last Monday at a local hospital here in STL.  My mom and aunt/namesake went with me.  I went in a little nervous because I knew they were gonna have to cut the fibroids out...  Before I went into the operating room, I prayed to God.  I told him, "Father, I'm taking you with me to this room, and I know everything will be alright because You'll be there."

The procedure was supposed to last about an hour and a half... it lasted for a half an hour.  The doctor came out of the operating room to talk to my mom.  The doctor told my mom and aunt, "Well, we went in to get the fibroids, but they weren't there..." and she showed them the pictures.  My mom asked, "What about the PCOS?"  The doctor said, "There aren't any cysts.  There are enlarged blood vessels on one of them; that's it."  Then Mama asked, "What about the lump that was in her groin?"  The doctor said, "Yeah, it's not there..."

You know I'm crying as I'm typing this right? lol  I have been dealing with this mess inside me for seven (7) years!!!  To know that this mess was removed, and there was no cutting involved... You should be running around right now!!!

Jehovah-Rapha is the God who heals.  Knowing that it wasn't the doctors who removed the mess... it wasn't MAN... IT WAS GOD!!!!  This just proves that there is a greater being who deserves our Praise and our Worship.  GOD IS REAL!

I'm letting you know about what God has done for me because it is important for you to know and understand what God can do for you.  God is a God who doesn't need our help; yet, He uses us as His vessels, His living testimonies to witness to the world that He does exist and He does heal, and He does provide.  Whatever it is you need from God,  ask Him!  It may not happen when you want it to happen.  BUT, it will happen when it needs to.

Be blessed guys.  I know I am.  :-)