Eh...

Ever had one of those days when you just feel... eh?  That's how I've been feeling recently.  Not bad, not good.  Just 'eh'. I'm getting bored, and I don't like it.

I'm getting bored with my church.  I love that there are great changes going on, but I'm not really feeling the music ministry right now.  I feel like I'm not growing anymore.

Honestly, I'm getting bored with the other music ministries that I'm a part of.  I haven't said anything to anyone, but I'm feeling stuck.  There's no growth.  I feel like I'm not being used to my fullest capacity.  Granted, I know that these are not my groups and I know my place in them.  However, I still like there's no room for me to grow anymore.

As one of the music leaders at church, it's my responsibility to help those who are following me, grow and mature in Christ.  I thank God that I'm able to do this, but I'm feeling drained and empty. I've been going to Christian Leadership College, and I've been taking these Lay Leader classes as well.  Although I would take the classes again, I still feel like I'm missing something.  I can't place my finger on it though.

Recently, I officially became a candidate for ordained ministry.  I should be excited about this, but I'm not.  I'm not sad... just feeling, 'eh'.  I'm feeling more of that wonderful quote, "To whom much is given, much is required."  I oftentimes wonder if I really have the gifts that others see in me.  If I do, then why don't I feel like it?  Why am I losing interest in Praise & Worship at my church?  More importantly, why do I feel like just giving up on my ministry altogether?

Revelations...

This past week has been interesting.  It started with a conversation with God.  He told me to sit down and write everything that ever happened to me while growing up.  I ended up writing pages and pages of occurrences, and I started crying because I realized for the first time in a long time how much I have been through.  I went through a lot of turmoil before I hit the age 10.

I was wondering, why do you have me going down memory lane?  Do you want me to hurt again?  Then God revealed to me a specific pattern that I've been going down in my life... pertaining to the opposite sex.  I have the tendency of attracting the wrong kind of men... unavailable men.   They're unavailable one way or another.  There are other problems that relate to my past, but it's too personal.

Near the end of the week and on my 36th birthday, I have realized that my past does not have to predict my future.  I have also realized that I am worth more than I think I am.  I don't have to sink low to have a man in my life.  That man has to come up to my level if he wants to be with me.  Psalm 139:14 states, I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  How dare we not think highly of ourselves; we're made in God's image!  What could be more beautiful than that?!?

Be blessed.

Awesome Sunday

Hey gang.

Sunday was wonderful.  We sang "Because of the Blood" Sunday morning at both services.  One person led it for the 8:30 service since I had to deliver the sermon.  I sang it during the 11:00 service.  I did some shoutin' myself. lol  I am sooooooo glad that we have a new musician.  He brings so much to the service.  So refreshing.

After that, I went to my friend Kyle Kelley's church and participated in his FLOW concert.  That, ma'am/sir, was an awesome experience!  There wasn't a format; it was all about flowing with the Spirit.  It lasted about 2 1/2 hours.  I felt refreshed again.

I was so tired when everything was over.  It was a different kind of tiredness, though.  It was one of those "I got things accomplished" kinds.  I was excited, happy, and drained at the same time.  I felt like God used me; wow!  That's it!  I became an empty vessel for God.  He filled me up, and used me all day to serve His people.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about: serving God's kingdom!  We need to remember that we are vessels whose purpose is to be continually used by God for building His kingdom.  We want to sing songs like "Have Thine Own Way," but do we really mean it?  I am glad to answer a resounding YES!!!

What will your answer be?  Think about it...

Be blessed.

Sermon #3

I'm sitting here trying to work on my sermon for Sunday morning, but my mind has been occupied.  I thought that I knew what I was going to talk about, especially with everything that I've been through recently.  Honestly, I have no clue.  This past week has been filled with ups and downs... more downs.

How do you feel when you're rejected?  Upset? Hurt? Pissed?  Yeah, that's how I feel.  It's no one's fault but mine.  I fell for someone who didn't fall for me; he told me this week.  It hurts really bad, because I felt like we grew to know more about each other and understand each other more.  This guy makes me want to be more than what I am. Yeah, he still does.  I hated that I revealed my feelings to him.  It was only because he revealed his feelings (so I thought) to me.  I talked to God about how I felt, and He told me "Wait."  I thought I did.  In the end, I still got burned.

So now I'm at that point where I don't think I'll be found by a man who wants all of me, not just pieces of me.  I haven't been here in a long time; not even after leaving my last boyfriend last year.  Why is this effecting me like this?  I have no clue.  Y'all need to pray for your girl.  I'm trying to get him off my mind, but he keeps popping up like a whack-a-mole!  I needed that laugh.  Anyway, I gotta get myself together so I can preach to the congregation Sunday.  May need to fast for clarity.

Be blessed.

JEHOVAH-RAPHA

Hey gang.  I have some great news to share with you guys.  I need to start from the beginning with this one though, so here it goes...

The year 2004 was a rough year for me.  I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS), and pre-cancerous cells were discovered as well.  The cells were removed, but I was in a deep depression.  I attempted to take my life by swallowing a handful of vicodin and darvocet.  I shouldn't be alive today!

Fast forward to August 2011.  I have been dealing with severe pain in my hip area as well.  I went to the doctor to let her know what was happening.  I had an ultrasound and blood work done.  The next Monday after running all of the tests, my doctor called me and told me that there were fibroids in my uterus.  When I asked her about the lump near my hip in the groin area, she stated that it wasn't gynecological, and I need to see my regular doctor about it.

I talked to my family and a few friends about what was going on.  I decided to go on with the procedure, which is known as a hysteroscopy and d & c (dilation and curettage).

The procedure took place last Monday at a local hospital here in STL.  My mom and aunt/namesake went with me.  I went in a little nervous because I knew they were gonna have to cut the fibroids out...  Before I went into the operating room, I prayed to God.  I told him, "Father, I'm taking you with me to this room, and I know everything will be alright because You'll be there."

The procedure was supposed to last about an hour and a half... it lasted for a half an hour.  The doctor came out of the operating room to talk to my mom.  The doctor told my mom and aunt, "Well, we went in to get the fibroids, but they weren't there..." and she showed them the pictures.  My mom asked, "What about the PCOS?"  The doctor said, "There aren't any cysts.  There are enlarged blood vessels on one of them; that's it."  Then Mama asked, "What about the lump that was in her groin?"  The doctor said, "Yeah, it's not there..."

You know I'm crying as I'm typing this right? lol  I have been dealing with this mess inside me for seven (7) years!!!  To know that this mess was removed, and there was no cutting involved... You should be running around right now!!!

Jehovah-Rapha is the God who heals.  Knowing that it wasn't the doctors who removed the mess... it wasn't MAN... IT WAS GOD!!!!  This just proves that there is a greater being who deserves our Praise and our Worship.  GOD IS REAL!

I'm letting you know about what God has done for me because it is important for you to know and understand what God can do for you.  God is a God who doesn't need our help; yet, He uses us as His vessels, His living testimonies to witness to the world that He does exist and He does heal, and He does provide.  Whatever it is you need from God,  ask Him!  It may not happen when you want it to happen.  BUT, it will happen when it needs to.

Be blessed guys.  I know I am.  :-)

When It Rains...

So... I'll be having a histeroscopy due to having fibroid tumors.  Along with that, I went to the ER today because I had back spasms... again.  Come to find out, I have arthritis in my back!  Am I surprised?  Not really.  I am disappointed though.  I've been trying to get the weight off by working out, and my back muscles are still weak!  

I gotta see my regular doctor tomorrow and possibly get an MRI.  We'll see what happens...

Until then, be blessed.

Prayers of the Righteous Pt. 2

Hey gang.  I pray that your day is going well, even through the rain.  I'm grateful to God to see another day.  I'm back at work after going back to the doctor's office.  As I stated in the earlier blog, I have PCOS (read the previous blog to catch up).  There have been some 'malfuntions' going on, so I went to the doc's office yesterday to find out what's up.  I ended up needing a biopsy, and I went back to get probed today. lol

My doctor ordered me to have an ultrasound.  I looked at her crazy; knowing nothing has been going on, I knew I wasn't pregnant. lol  With the ultrasound, she would be able to see the whole reproductive system and what's going on down there.

So I went in, and the tech was really nice.  What she did was not, though.  I'll leave the details out; I'll just say to the men: be glad you're a man.  You wouldn't be able to handle it.

After she was finished, I was able to leave the office.  The entire process lasted about 30 minutes.  I know that I'll be a bit uncomfortable for the rest of the day.  I have to sit, since I work at computers all day.  The tech told me that I'll receive results in a week.  I'll keep you posted.

Until next time, be blessed.