Doing Just Fine

It's been over three years since I've posted ANYTHING to this blog. I know: it's been a long time! A lot of things happened over these past few years. I got dumped for someone who he knew could - and would - take care of him. I then almost died while turning 42. I've been part of two off Broadway runs in New York, and I celebrated my life (FINALLY) with the people I treasure the most in Mexico. Oh yeah: we're going though a worldwide pandemic and the President of the United States is treating it like he's still on reality television. So where should I start???

I'm going to give him very little space on my blog. He told me once, "The next woman I'm with will have to help me financially," and he got with someone who fit the bill. She even paid for their rings, including her engagement ring. 

That's it.

During October 2017, I wasn't feeling well. I thought I was coming down with either the flu or bronchitis. I wanted to go the emergency room, but Mama coerced me to visit Urgent Care around the corner from our house instead. I was diagnosed with bronchitis and given a prescription for cough medicine with codeine. A couple days later, I turned 42. I felt horrible. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't eat; I could barely walk around the house. Mom and sis bought a cake for my birthday, but my cousin who STILL lives with us ate most of it. 

I went back to work for a day. I was told by co-workers that I looked like death warmed over; I felt like it too. I ended up going home and staying there until I could find out what was really wrong. I could feel myself getting worse. I could barely breathe; I couldn't think about taking a deep breath. It hurt so bad, and I was really scared. I did keep a brave face, and looked for a new doctor since my current doctor no longer took my insurance.

My mom and I went to a hospital where the new doctor's office was located. I was escorted to a waiting room and told a nurse practitioner would see me shortly. Mama and I waited for what seemed like forever, until the office manager came into the room. She told us that because of a previous doctor that I filed two complaints on (because she called me fat and wrote it on paper), they wouldn't take me as a patient. My mom asked her, "What am I supposed to do? My baby is sick!" The woman told her to take me to the ER. I looked at her as I told my mom, "Take me to St. Mary's right now." 

Mama dropped me off at the door of St. Mary's ER. I walked in and told the registrant that I was in pain and I could barely breathe. Within 5 minutes, I was getting an EKG, blood pressure was checked, and blood was drawn. I was escorted back to the waiting area, where I sat for maybe 15 minutes. I was called to the back for a waiting room. Mama told me she would wait a moment before coming back. I was given a hospital gown, and given an IV of fluid. The nurses then took me to get more tests ran. I was taken back to my room, and a doctor walked in to talk to me. He recognized my anxiety and knew I was about to have an attack. He had a nurse give me something to calm down, as Mama came in. I was so happy to see her face. She brought another beautiful face with her: my aunt De-Rance! They both helped me with my anxiety. We sat in the room for about a half hour before the nurse and doctor returned with results from all of the tests. I didn't have bronchitis. I was having a pulmonary embolism. That's right; I was misdiagnosed. I had a blood clot in my right lung, and I needed prompt treatment! I was admitted immediately, and I was given a Heparin drip. Heparin is a blood thinner.

Mama was confused and scared. She didn't realize how sick I was. De-Rance was nervous as well. I was walking around for at least two weeks with this going on. Reality set in for us: I could've died. (I had to take a break because I broke down while typing that sentence.)

I stayed in the hospital for a day and a half. Mama stayed with me the entire time. De-Rance left and went home, and my sister came later on. The insurance company was giving the hospital the runaround and told them they wouldn't take care of my stay or anything else. The care worker came and told me this when Mama wasn't in the room, and I ended up having a panic attack. A doctor and a couple nurses came in to calm me down; one gave me a sedative intravenously. When Mama came back, the care worker told her what happened and why I was having an attack. Mama was pissed off! She couldn't believe that the care worker would tell me any of the information. She told her she'd handle my business from now on. I looked at her, and nodded.

Next thing I knew, she and De-Andrea were on the case. They took care of everything for me, and the insurance company acknowledge their mistake. I was discharged that same day because I was doing better. I was breathing better as well. They gave me medication to take home, and the number of a new doctor. I stayed home for a total three weeks, and I lost almost thirty pounds since I wasn't eating anything. I barely ate on Thanksgiving, and that hurt my soul.

It's been almost three years since the embolism, and I'm feeling ok. I'm not gonna lie; I have some difficult days due to other health issues. This getting old thing is a big pain... literally and figuratively. However, I am grateful that I'm living to feel every bit of it. I thank God for my chiropractor. LOL

I'll talk about other wonderful things in another post.

Be blessed!

Did You Miss Me?

Merry New Year!!! It's 2017, and I'm in St. Louis working at a Parallon Business Solutions. How did this happen??? LOL

Let's start at the beginning. I went to Atlanta to go to seminary. I ended up coming home in 2014 due to my mother getting sick. I praise God that she's doing much better now. I stayed home and stopped going to school. I ended up working at a collections agency; however I don't work on the phones. I make sure that our system matches the hospital system by posting payments and adjustments. Everything was going great, until May 13, 2016. That's the day my brother-in-love Alan died.

Alan drove himself to the hospital due to feeling tightness in his chest. The hospital ran all types of tests Thursday, and kept him overnight for observation. Friday afternoon, the doctors ran another test and found out that his aorta was ripping from his heart. The doctors were about to perform emergency surgery, but Alan closed his eyes one last time in his hospital room. My sister is broken, even after nine months. She decided to cut her hair, and I did the same. Thank God our hair is growing back!

I have worked at Parallon for two years now, and I'm now a Team Lead for our Reconciliation Team! I am still living with my mom, and I'm loving every minute of it, and so is she! I'm not leading Praise and Worship anywhere right now. I took a long-term hiatus from my personal ministry. I needed to go to my own 'desert' and sort things out with God. I needed to know why things were not going the way we all planned. I realized that the words I once heard from my mom were true: If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I now sing with two good friends of mine and their groups: my buddies Jesse Williams and Total Praise, and Phil Woodmore and the Woodmore Singers. I'll talk about their projects in another blog. Long story short, I'm having the time of my life with these two.

I have to get ready for work, but I wanted to post this and let you know that I'm doing well, and I'm taking life one day at a time.

Be blessed!

So long 2014

I don't know about you, but 2014 has been a doozie for me. I traveled between Atlanta and St. Louis, only to find myself moving back to St. Louis. I'm not upset about moving back home. In fact, I'm glad I'm home. My mom got really sick for a while, and I'm glad I was here when the ordeal happened. This is my blog about my life, so just know that she's doing much better now.

I also found myself saying goodbye to two really close people in my life: an ex-boyfriend and a person I've known since 1st grade. Let's start with the ex.

We've been exes longer than we were together. We were together for over a year, until he confessed he cheated on me and got someone pregnant. I was heartbroken then. About two years after, we ended up rekindling our friendship. That relationship lasted almost twenty years. Unfortunately, he reminded me of why we weren't in a relationship. He lied and did everything to avoid me. I completely disconnected myself from him, through social media and every other aspect. I would say that I miss his friendship, but I'd by lying. LOL

The other friendship had to end, and I had to end it. She kept assuming that I was interested in her husband.  She also showed her true foulness during a session we had. She started talking to me, asking how I was and talking about how I don't talk to her. (I just came back from Atlanta this time.) I told her I've been busy with work and church. While having this convo, she texted her husband asking why I'm acting funny with her. How do I know this, you ask??? I know because I received a text stating, "Whatever you're doing, stop. She's asking why you're funny acting," along with the screenshot. REALLY????? You think I want your husband, but I'm the funny acting one??? I would've talked to her about it, but this wasn't the first time I've had to go through this with her. I love her, but I can't deal with the foolishness. I'd rather say goodbye than put on a fake smile. I've never been fake, and I'm too old to start that craziness.

As 2014 draws to a close, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to failed friendships, goodbye to illness, goodbye to bad health, and goodbye to bad environments. As I say hello to 2015, I'm saying hello to new opportunities, hello to a new career, and hello to new friendships and relationships (hopefully). I'm staring a new job, continuing my education, and enjoying the skin I'm in. I can't wait to see what God has in store for the new year.

Be blessed. 

Last Girl Standing Pt. 2

So... it's been a year to the month since I've blogged. A lot has happened since the end of 2013. I traveled back and forth between St. Louis and Atlanta until the close of this year, when I moved back to St. Louis. It wasn't really by choice, but I don't regret the decisions made thus far.

Let's get down to the reason why I'm blogging, shall we?

I'm considering leaving the world of Gospel music. Yep, you read it right. I've been a part of the community since 2000. I've had ups and downs throughout my gospel singing 'career'. I can say I've had more up moments though. I've traveled to Italy for a 21-day tour that included singing at The Vatican for the late Pope John Paul II, behind Lionel Richie, Chuckii Booker, and the legendary Dionne Warwick alongside Jonathan Nelson and Purpose. That all happened thanks to Oscar. I've also sung behind phenoms like Karen Clark-Sheard, Hezekiah Walker and others. I've provided background work on numerous albums for Oscar, True Spirit, and other people. I did great work, and I did favors for friends (in other words, I sang for free). I've even helped turn crappy projects into great ones. (Some of them have been sold nationwide.)

I love Gospel music, but I'm losing the passion that I had when I started. I was young, excited about what was happening in churches other than the United Methodist Church. (My church is literally dying, but that's for another blog.) I was eager to learn from all these talented and anointed musicians and songwriters. I've networked with some of the best in the business, and I have phone numbers of wonderful forerunners of the gospel industry. If I don't have it, I know someone who does. All of that means absolutely nothing to me.

The gospel industry is not a money making avenue for me. I don't have an industry-driven voice or look. I've been told this numerous times, especially when it comes to my voice. It's strong enough for background work, but not solo worthy. Don't believe me? I have proof. I recently helped out a church with a Christmas program, and we ended up singing a song from a spring live recording. I had to back up someone as she sang the song that I did live vocals for. No foolin'. If anything, it showed me that I'll always be a great asset for background work. Then again, that may not be true. I flew somewhere to work on background vocals. We recorded for six straight days. To be honest, I don't think my vocals will be used for any of the projects; my voice wasn't really strong at that time.

I've grown tired of being used to make others look and sound good. A prominent Bishop once announced to his congregation that I'm one of the best background singers in the St. Louis area. Someone had to tell me what he said because I was busy giving an offering when he said it. I was humbled by the compliment, but at the same time I wondered if that was all I would become... a great background singer. Is that it? Is this all God wants for me and my voice? Am I good enough to lead one song, let alone an album?

Let me say this... I know what I can do, and what I can't do vocally. I have a range, and I can hold notes forever. I'm not a good runner, but I do what I can. It's amazing what I can do when I'm given freedom. At the same time, if you tell me not to do a lot, then I won't do a lot.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I'm going to stop singing altogether? Not really. I will be taking a break for a while... maybe a year. I'm considering leaving the groups and doing limited pop-ups at local church stuff. I'm never called to do any solo work, so laying low won't be too hard.

Be blessed.

Last Girl Standing

Have you ever been the kid in school who was picked last for sports teams in gym? Two of your classmates have to pick other classmates to make teams, and you look up and realize you're on a team cause you're the last girl standing. It's happened to me a lot... ok, all the time. I was never good at sports. I played instruments, not outside. I have always been an introvert anyway. Being teased half of my life helped with that as well.

As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel.  I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.

I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.

I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.

Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.

I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!

I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.

Be blessed.

Plans???

These past few days have been bad. I found myself falling into a deep depression. I started thinking about where I am in my life, and I began to feel disappointment, anger, and pain. I alienated myself from family and I stayed home alone on Christmas Day. People were calling and texting me. My sister even came over to see me. I didn't answer the door, since I was asleep anyway. I haven't talked to anyone, and it's Friday.

It's something when you do what you hope is God's will. I resigned from 3 jobs in St. Louis to move to Atlanta. Everything hasn't been going the way I expected. I've lost one uncle; another uncle has been diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemotherapy; I lost a family friend as well; and I got into a car accident on my way home. All of that happened within August and September.

I'm solely depending on my mother for EVERYTHING. She's taking care of me financially now, and I honestly don't like it. I appreciate everything that she does - don't get me wrong - but, I'm not the type of person who wants my bills paid by someone else. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, and to have that independence taken away is hellacious.

It's hard giving up everything to follow God's calling. Very hard. People call themselves bible scholars and Word followers, but how many are ready to follow His will? Matthew 16:24 states in the NIV, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." 

A lot of times, you hear from ministers that you don't appreciate what you have or where your help comes from until you've hit rock bottom. I say it's rubbish. When I had my jobs, I knew that God was still the provider. I acknowledged him as a healer when he healed my aunt from breast cancer in 1997. I didn't have to wait for my turn to have pre-cancerous cells and fibroids in my body to give God the praise that is due to Him. I was already healed mentally from the childhood demons, i.e. bullying, sexual abuse, etc. So my question is this: how much more do I have to go through, when I already recognize where my surplus comes from? How much more do I have to take my mother through? HOW MUCH MORE GOD?!?!? 

I'm in my room at home in St. Louis listening to music for a recording I'm participating in next month. I hear one of the songs written by Chris Watkins, and it's written with Jeremiah 29:11 in mind. The scripture states, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

I had to take a break because I couldn't see my screen through my tears...

It's hard to keep this in mind when you're going through crap. My cousin is FINALLY getting married and his family will be complete; my sister is a little over a year into her marriage, and her husband loves her unconditionally. I'm still alone. I've been alone since 2010, and it's hard when your last relationship was the only somewhat stable relationship you've ever had in life. (The first relationship was a bust. I was cheated on because I was a virgin. Go figure.) Now I'm surrounded by friends and family who have significant others, starting families, and have love. How do you not want to Mama Pope your wrists when there's NO ONE out there who wants to love you?

Then I read that God does have plans for my life... I wonder if it includes love. I wonder if it includes re-gaining my independence. I wonder if it includes happiness and joy. Only God knows, because I surely don't.

Until then, be blessed guys.

Moving Forward

It's been forever since I've blogged.  A whole lot has happened.  The biggest thing is I have moved from St. Louis to Atlanta.  I resigned from my 3 jobs for this move.  I am not regretful at all; this move is much bigger than what I think.  I have to admit; I miss my mom and sister sooooo much.  I said 'bye' to Mama the morning I left.  I didn't cry until she left for work.  Cooky came down to Atlanta with me, and she flew back home the next day.  Saying 'bye' to her was really rough.  I cried like a baby when we hugged.  I didn't want to let go, but I did and I watched her walk into the airport.

Since I've been in Atlanta, I unfortunately had a death in the family.  My uncle Ronnie passed away after having complications during a routine colonoscopy.  It was not the procedure that killed him; he failed to mention to the doctors his heart condition and the fact that he had diabetes.  I couldn't be home for his memorial service since classes started at seminary the same day.  Oh!  I didn't tell you.  I'm in Atlanta going to Gammon Theological Seminary, part of the Interdenominational Theological Center on the Clark-Atlanta University campus.  That's right; I'm back in school!  I'm staying in the Gammon dorm, in a room by myself equipped with its own bathroom. Thank God for the little things.  Tomorrow I'm going to visit the United Methodist church that's two blocks away from the ITC.

So how is Atlanta?  I live literally five minutes away from downtown.  That's really not new to me.  When I grew up in St. Louis, I lived about five minutes away from downtown... when my parents were married, that is.  I can see the skyline down the street from the entrance to the ITC.  The program I have enrolled in will take about 3 years, but I am more than determined to finish this race.  I have something that I didn't have before; confidence in myself.

If anything else happens, I'll do my best to blog about it. Until then...

Be blessed my loves!

New Year, New Beginnings

Happy holidays!  I pray that your holidays are filled with love, laughter, toys and goodies.  My holiday season has been filled with rest... a lot of rest.  I did absolutely nothing this week.  I am taking a break from packing right now to write to you guys.

I'm going out of town to Nebraska for the last time.  There really isn't a reason for me to go up.  I thought about cancelling the trip, but it's too late.  No refunds, all types of cancellation fees.  Therefore, I will go and hang out with the fellas...  JUST the fellas.

As the year closes, I have been reflecting on things that happened within these past 12 months.  My sister got married, I went through therapy for my self-esteem and daddy issues, and I was invited to move to Atlanta next fall.  I was recently asked if I had any regrets.  I can't do anything about regrets.  I learn from my mistakes, and I do my best to move on.  Life is too short to hold on to memories and feelings from past experiences.  It's important for us to let go of our past so we can take hold of our future.  My future looks bright, and I am seriously looking forward to what may come my way.

Happy New Year, and be blessed.

I'm Still Alive

Hello world!

It's been a long time since I've blogged about the happenings in my life.  There have been some changes.  One of the most important changes is that my sister is now a Mrs.  She got married last month.  The wedding was beautiful, just like she was.  The reception was even better.  That's all I have to say about that. LOL  Seriously, the entire day was gorgeous.  The weather was perfect.  The bridal party looked lovely; I paid to have the bridesmaids' makeup done except for mine.  I did my own face, thank you.  The wedding coordinators were awesome; our friends Craig and Toni volunteered their services, and they were fabulous!  I was in charge of the music, so I got my MD Will and some other buddies of ours to sing and play.  They did an excellent job.  Mama was OK, until she gave my sissy away.  Then the tears flowed.  Once Mama started crying, we all started crying... well, everyone but Cooky.  She didn't cry until she heard the scripture from her friend.  The ceremony was quick, but nice.  We then took pictures in the sanctuary, and I signed the marriage licenses as a witness.  We took pictures earlier at a park that wasn't too far from the church.  I can't wait to see how they all turned out.

Our family has another wedding coming up... tomorrow!  A cousin of mine and her fiance came back to town for their wedding ceremony.  I'm doing the maid of honor's makeup, and possibly the bride's.  I'm also singing during the ceremony.  Not sure when, but I'll find out today.

I am still a candidate for ministry.  I recently took a series of psychological tests.  It's one of the many things I have to do as a candidate in the United Methodist Church.  I guess they want to make sure I'm hearing the voice of God and not just voices. LOL  Anyway, I'm glad that it's over with.  The first test consisted of 567 true or false questions, and the second test had almost 400 yes, no, or maybe questions.  I then had to fill out a thick packet that asked for my information, including my height, weight, car loans, criminal record, what color underwear I like (just kidding), etc. I was writing and filling in circles from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm.  No, really.  If I wasn't crazy before, I may be now.  I know I'm tired of seeing circles and scan tron sheets.

The Praise Team is still going strong.  We have a newer member who has a great blending voice.  I'm also trying to help them learn more about what it means to be on the team.  I talked a little bit about a spiritual gift last night: the spirit of discernment.  They seemed to be interested in the topic, so I asked them to search for information about it.  We ended with prayer and I gave CD's of new songs for us to learn.

I'm still delivering sermons as well.  I've been preaching every 4th Sunday of every month.  I'm preaching this Sunday coming up in fact.  I think I may be preaching from Psalm 34... I will bless the Lord at all times... We'll see what happens.

Be blessed everyone.

Insecurity

If you look at my recent picture, you would think I'm doing fine and I don't have too many worries in the world.  Honey, I look like that because of MAC and Urban Decay. LOL  It's funny how we put on our masks, our makeup to hide the scars and blemishes.  Not just the visible ones, but the invisible scars as well.  I'm talking about all of the hurt and pain that we deal with on an everyday basis.  Every one of us deal with inner demons.  It could be anger, sadness, self-degradation, alcoholism, even church hurt.  For me, it's a little bit of all of them.  My biggest demon is insecurity.

Growing up wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't all good.  Without giving all the details, I witnessed some events in my life that I shouldn't have.  I am also a victim of situations that were way beyond my control.  There were times when I received verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from people who claimed to have loved me... my family. I was called fat, ugly, buffalo butt, and even bullied.  All of that happened before I went to school.  It wasn't too bad until I went to the fourth grade.  I was bullied too many times to count by Carlos T.  He would make fun of my size, pull my hair, and eventually beat me up on the playground.  My teacher, Joyce Buck, didn't do much to prevent it.  She later became a principal at the building where I worked.  I remember when I fell and fractured my ankle.  Buck saw that it was me on the ground, and she kept walking.  Two weeks later, she wrote me up for not doing my full cafeteria duty... while I was in a cast!

Going back to elementary days... I transferred before fifth grade, and I was met by more bullies.  There were these two guys who made fun of me, and called me... get this... GRACE JONES!  First of all, I think Grace Jones is a beautiful woman.  Her dark complexion is flawless to me.  Second, I'm not even close to the same complexion!  I'm much lighter, and I had long ponytails.  Because I was a festively plump little girl, these boys decided to call me whatever they thought was not attractive.

The insults didn't stop there.  I was also insulted as a kid at church.  I can remember this lady... Sharon W. ...tell me, "You sounded really great, but your sister is pretty."  Can you imagine being around ten years old, and hearing this from someone you thought was a pretty lady?  I have to say that my mother came to my rescue that day.  She heard her and said, "Both of my girls are pretty."  The damage was already done though.

Hearing things like this from home, school and church can make a little girl feel worthless, sad, depressed, and lonely.  You grow up having issues because of what affected you as a child, and the past hurts jeopardize the possibilities of having a happy, healthy relationship with anyone who comes your way.  You feel as if you don't deserve their love and affection, and you say anything that you are feeling at that moment.

I have felt so worthless to the point of attempting suicide... three times.  The last time was a bit rough.  I took a handful of vicodin and prescription naproxen.  I should be dead.  God had another plan for me instead of death.  I woke up after sleeping for almost 24 hours.  I became depressed again, but God came to me and told me He wasn't through with me.  He then told me to read Psalm 139.  After reading the entire Psalm, I realized that if no one - including myself - had loving thoughts about me, God had more than plenty.  God knew who I was before I was created, and he had purpose for my life.  He still does!

I am still dealing with insecurity and depression everyday of my life.  It's hard keeping it at bay when there are still people in my life spewing insults just because.  The great thing is that there are more loving people in my life now than there are insulting idiots.  They can still sometimes get to me; but because I know who I am and WHOSE I am, it doesn't hurt as much.  I'm still feeling insecure when it comes to certain relationships, but I'm working on that.  It's an everyday challenge, but I'm willing to take it on in order to gain happiness and joy in my life.  You know, that's the thing.  For the longest, I didn't think that I deserved to be loved by another person because of who I am, how I look, how I sound, my past mistakes, etc. I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be blessed beyond measure.  My Father told me so.

I dedicate this blog entry to James Blaylock, Jr.  He loved me the best way he knew how to until death. I miss you Daddy.

Be blessed.

Elevation

Hey gang.  I know it's been a couple of months.  Things have been happening for your girl.  I've preached about three times since blogging the last time.  I preached about transformation in February; that went pretty well.  The highlight of that day was standing in the pulpit and seeing my daddy's siblings.  My uncle and two aunts, along with a cousin of mine, were in the congregation, together, just for me.  I was overwhelmed and humbled when I saw their faces looking up to me as I spoke that Sunday.

I then spoke on Good Friday from the words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" as part of the Seven Last Words program at church.  God really used me in a big way in less than seven minutes. LOL  After preaching, I sang "That Name", and almost fainted afterwards.  I was drained!  I had to find some energy from somewhere, cause I sang in Cahokia, IL twice. The first time was with my friend Kyle and his wife Jennifer at 2; the second time was with my other church Liberty Community Worship Center @ 8.  Can you say long day???

I recently preached again on Third Sunday.  I talked about Doubting Thomas, and continuing to believe.  That Sunday, my aunt re-joined church.  God used me again in a big way.  All I could do was cry and hug my auntie.

I have been giving the charge to now deliver the sermon every fourth Sunday of the month starting in June.  It's a nerve-wrecking feeling, but I know that it'll will be alright as long as I let God use me.

Tonight I completed my last class of the Christian Leadership College program that's ran by Manchester United Methodist Church.  The session ended with a foot-washing ceremony.  After reading John 13:1-20, the class leader washed the feet of the table leaders.  The table leaders then washed the feet of those who were their table mates.  I went to get my feet washed, then I went back to my seat.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions.  I felt humbled, and I felt like there was confirmation regarding the jobs God has for me to do.  Tears started flowing... tears are flowing again as I type this.

For these past few years, I have been wondering if my preaching had been a mistake.  I never felt like it was truly what God wanted me to do.  I thought I had it wrong.  I knew he wanted me to sing and lead worship, but preaching is a whole new ballgame.  You know how you receive all of these clues but you want to use the clues for your good and not His?  One of the clues he gave me was through a saying he gave me: You have to step out of your comfort zone in order to be elevated.  I spoke that to someone else, not realizing that it was for me.  I look back and now realize that it was for those who expect greatness for their lives, but feel comfortable where they are at the same time.  That was me... that is me.  I have become so  complacent with the way things are in my life.  From where I live, to where I work, to how I live everyday; I've become too comfortable with mediocrity.  There is greatness on my life; God told me so.  I can't stay where I am and satisfy God.  I have to step out on faith; I have to believe that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

Graduation is in two weeks.  I'm going alone, but I know that in reality I will not be.  Pray for me that I continue the elevation.

Be blessed.

Dreamgirls or NWLC???

About a week ago, the Muny in St. Louis held auditions for their summer shows.  One of the shows that they are performing is Dreamgirls, starring the one and only Jennifer Holliday as Effie.  I was so excited to be a part of the show, so I decided that I would audition.  I went to the Muny webpage to check the show dates...July 16-22.  Awesome!

I then checked my e-mails, and I received something from worshipleader.com about the National Worship Leader Conference in Leawood, KS.  I checked it to see who would be presenting and performing at the conference.  Ricardo Sanchez and Israel Houghton are two of the main acts for the conference.  SWEET!  I am so determined to go this year.  To learn from these men of God would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I checked the conference dates... July 16-19.  Great... wait a minute!

Being a musician, it would be awesome to share the same stage as Tony and Grammy-Award winning Jennifer Holliday.  As a worship leader, it would be beneficial to learn what praise and worship is all about. WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

This is what I was thinking last week.  I told people that I was thinking about the audition, but in the back of my mind I was thinking more about how I was going to stay in Kansas for 4 days.  I talked to my Mama and sister about the conflict; I even talked to a couple of friends about it.  It all came down to these questions:  Which one would be more beneficial in the long run?  Which one am I first, a singer or a worshipper?

I decided not to audition.

I know, I know.  It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to perform with such a  powerhouse.  I had to look at what my life is calling me to do.  I have been called to be a praise & worship leader.  Not just for my church, but wherever I go. I recently led worship service at a Lutheran church here in St. Louis.  That is where God uses me to my capacity... that and pulpit supply, or preaching.  I have poured out onto my congregation and my praise team majority of the knowledge that I have, and I need a refill.  I can't get it through Dreamgirls.  I am so excited for the decision, and I'm more excited for the experiences that I will have at NWLC.

Be blessed.

The Man or the Connection?

So I'm sitting here at school trying to work on my sermon, but my mind has been on other subjects.  Particularly, the last person that I became interested in.  I will be honest with you:  I have been hurting for almost a year regarding my feelings for this guy.  I have known him for a long time... over ten years.  I considered him to be one of my best friends.  I was able to talk to him about everything, including things that I couldn't talk to my mother about.  He was always there for me with words of encouragement and chastisement when needed.  I knew that I could trust him with my life.

Last year, we started getting closer.  We became really comfortable with each other, and started talking more about what was going on in our lives.  I talked about why I left my previous relationship, and he started talking more about his.  Then in May, it happened.  He started flirting.  I was at first resistant because I knew that he was just hurting and he needed an outlet.  I said nothing, and I did nothing... at least I thought I did.  Two months later, we finally revealed our feelings to one another.  The only difference was that he developed feelings within a few months.  I developed feelings within almost 2 years.  Feelings were expressed, and a connection was made.  Unfortunately, that connection was not felt the same way.  For him, the connection was a possible escape from the problems he was dealing with.  For me, the connection was a feeling of euphoria.  I have been in relationships before, but I never experienced anything like this.  

Time has past, and he is still in his relationship.  It hurts like hell.  I have been wondering why I could be so foolish to develop feelings for someone who did not feel for me, what I feel for him.  Yeah, I still have feelings; can't turn them off like a light switch, although it would be so easy if I could.  I hate that we could look in each other's eyes and feel something without saying anything. I hate that this person inspires me to be more and do more than what I'm doing now.  I started working on a jazz set list because of him; I even started writing songs because of him.  I'm not a songwriter! Yet, I've have written a particular song that I know will bless people.  Since I have tried to let go of my feelings, I have lost the will to write, and I'm letting go of singing jazz.  I'm doing my best to consume myself with ministry.  I've started reading the Word more, listening to my podcasts from Church of the Resurrection, and buying new gospel cd's.  Nothing has worked.  I tried to go to sleep last night listening to one of my cd's, and I couldn't do it.  I started analyzing what I was listening to; the musicality, the instrumentation, everything.  That's something that he would do.  I couldn't take it, so I turned my music off.  I laid in my bed and started praying and crying to God.  I prayed that he would take this hurt away.  I then wondered if I was going through this because of mistakes that I have made in the past.  

My last relationship lasted 4 years.  It ended because he didn't have time for me.  He worked on his job everyday, and worked on cars almost every night.  He invested in Halloween animatronics and old cars more than in our relationship.We grew apart, and our relationship ended after I betrayed him.

You may be asking: why are you telling us all of this De-Rance?  Here's the thing. I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.  I'm definitely not going to be the last.  Hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes before making their own.  I digress...

During the 4-year period, I never felt a true connection.  I loved him, but I was never truly in love.  I was with him, and I stayed with him because I felt like there was no one else in the world who would want to be with me.  He liked holding me.  He liked being around me, whenever he made time.  I got tired of not having a lot of that time with him, so I looked elsewhere.  I broke everything off, knowing what I did.  I haven't told him, because it turns out that every woman who has left him has done the same thing.  Kind of rough, right?

So then I have this connection with a guy who I've known forever.  It's something that I've never tapped into, and it's a feeling that I know I want again.  I have started to ask myself, was I in love with the person, or was I in love with the connection?  Will I ever experience that type of connection again?  I don't have the answers right now.  What I do know is this.  I keep hearing the word, "Wait."  I have heard that word since the beginning of last summer.  I've heard it through the Word, when people have preached, and even from Him.  During the fall, I was feeling down until I read His Word one night.  It was another scripture that told me to wait.

I recently talked to the guy and told him that I was going to stop the frequent phone calls and texts, because it was torture for me.  I revealed the way I truly felt.  I told him that I was in love with him, and my heart hurts because I knew that he does not feel the same way.  He is still a good friend of mine, but a distant friend.  I only talk to him about ministry and business stuff.  I am concentrating more on what God wants me to do, but it's hard because he was one of the major influences in what I do.  I know that I will get through this with God's help.

OK.  Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I think I can work on my sermon.  I'm preaching on what our church recognizes to be Transfiguration Sunday.  It's the moment when Jesus is on the mountain, and His glory is revealed as he is joined by Elijah and Moses.  The wheels are turning.  Gotta go!

Be blessed.

Don't feel bad; they hate me too.

Hey there.  I know it's been forever since I've blogged on here.  A lot has been going on.  Where should I start?

So... I went to visit family and friends in Omaha, NE for New Year's.  I had a blast spending time with old and new friends.  I realized that I am friends with some of the most talented musicians out there.  No, really.  These guys travel everywhere to play in concerts and on recordings.  They're that talented... oh wait!  They've been on some of the same recordings as I... I'm that talented too! lol

Anyway, I sang at two churches while I was there.  I sang at Salem Baptist Church for their New Year's Night Watch service.  That service was awesome; better than what I thought it would be.  Sunday morning, I ended up singing at a cousin's church.  The service started at 11, and ended at 2.  Being a United Methodist, I ain't used to that anymore.  That's right, I typed ain't.  I can't really describe the service by typing; you have to hear me in order to get a full glimpse of what happened.

Tuesday morning, I flew from Omaha to Grand Rapids, Michigan to audition for a background singer position with Marvin Sapp.  The audition went pretty well.  It was for 30 seconds though.  Anyway, I flew back to Omaha, and stayed there until Wednesday afternoon.

A few weeks later, I was talking to a friend of mine while preparing for a performance.  He was feeling down because of issues at home.  Unfortunately, the issues at home were spilling out to other entities in his life.  Long story short, my MD had to stop being my MD, and he couldn't play for me anymore for anything.  I was hurt, but I somewhat understood that he had to take care of home first.  A couple of days later, we had a deep conversation.  I found out that there were more issues going on besides the ones at home, and I was one of the issues.  Honestly, I was shocked.  What really shocked me is that someone whom I have known for over 30 years would assume that I would jeopardize someone else' marriage.  I later found out that there were other people talking and assuming the same thing.

I was hurt!  I was upset!  I was pissed off!  Why would people talk about me like this?  What did I do to deserve this?  I spent a few days talking to my true, best friends about the situation.  While talking to one of them, I broke down and started crying because I couldn't believe that people would think so low of me to start talking about me like this.  I would never dream of doing something so hurtful and shady to my friend, yet she started to believe it.  It started affecting me physically.  My back started hurting again; I got really sick Sunday morning before ministering at a visiting church; I couldn't think straight.

I prayed about it, and God answered me through His word.  I opened my bible, and ended up at John 15:18 & 19.  It states in the New International Version:  "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."


I then remembered that whenever something good is about to happen in my life, that is when I have to go through trials.  I also remembered that the enemy uses his old tricks, with new people.  He usually selects people that you would not ever expect.  That way, you can get even more distracted from whatever it is God wants you to do to build His kingdom.  


Later on Sunday evening after the Super Bowl, I went onto Facebook and Twitter and changed my status to this:

To the haters, naysayers, and others that want to spread lies about me... you're only making me stronger. Thanks. :-)

I'm not going to let the enemy and/or his village idiots distract me from the prize that God has for me.  I've come too far, and I have a lot more work to do. I believe that as long as I keep myself prayed up... and my true prayer warriors keep praying for me... then the enemy's weapons will not prosper.  

I'll write again soon.  I promise. :-)

Be blessed.

Moving Forward

So... I've decided to make some changes in my life.  I've started working out again.  My legs hurt, but they're gonna look so good when I'm wearing my heels. I'm also making moves with my music.  I'm still praise & worship leader at church, but I'm venturing outside of church.

I decided to audition for a couple of openings.  The Muny here in St. Louis is doing a production of Dreamgirls.  I'm going to audition for the role "Effie".  You know... "And I'm telling you, I'm not going..."  yeah, that role.  I'm also going to be a featured artist at our church's Table of Eights fundraiser.  I'm doing a jazz set instead of gospel, which is what I'm known for.  I want to do something different; get out of this rut that I'm in.  I'm also working on another project.

I receive a newsletter called the Belle Report Mondays-Fridays.  I read the one from yesterday, and I read that Marvin Sapp is looking for new background vocalists.  I decided to put my name in the hat and try for an audition.  I know that thousands of people are going to do the same, but I figure that I have the same chance as they.  Plus, I have plenty of experience.  Do you know who I've sung with?  The list is too long, so I'll spare the details and name dropping. lol

When you pray today, pray for me.  I'm claiming nothing but positivity for 2012.  I need it after these past few months. lol

Be blessed.

Eh...

Ever had one of those days when you just feel... eh?  That's how I've been feeling recently.  Not bad, not good.  Just 'eh'. I'm getting bored, and I don't like it.

I'm getting bored with my church.  I love that there are great changes going on, but I'm not really feeling the music ministry right now.  I feel like I'm not growing anymore.

Honestly, I'm getting bored with the other music ministries that I'm a part of.  I haven't said anything to anyone, but I'm feeling stuck.  There's no growth.  I feel like I'm not being used to my fullest capacity.  Granted, I know that these are not my groups and I know my place in them.  However, I still like there's no room for me to grow anymore.

As one of the music leaders at church, it's my responsibility to help those who are following me, grow and mature in Christ.  I thank God that I'm able to do this, but I'm feeling drained and empty. I've been going to Christian Leadership College, and I've been taking these Lay Leader classes as well.  Although I would take the classes again, I still feel like I'm missing something.  I can't place my finger on it though.

Recently, I officially became a candidate for ordained ministry.  I should be excited about this, but I'm not.  I'm not sad... just feeling, 'eh'.  I'm feeling more of that wonderful quote, "To whom much is given, much is required."  I oftentimes wonder if I really have the gifts that others see in me.  If I do, then why don't I feel like it?  Why am I losing interest in Praise & Worship at my church?  More importantly, why do I feel like just giving up on my ministry altogether?

Revelations...

This past week has been interesting.  It started with a conversation with God.  He told me to sit down and write everything that ever happened to me while growing up.  I ended up writing pages and pages of occurrences, and I started crying because I realized for the first time in a long time how much I have been through.  I went through a lot of turmoil before I hit the age 10.

I was wondering, why do you have me going down memory lane?  Do you want me to hurt again?  Then God revealed to me a specific pattern that I've been going down in my life... pertaining to the opposite sex.  I have the tendency of attracting the wrong kind of men... unavailable men.   They're unavailable one way or another.  There are other problems that relate to my past, but it's too personal.

Near the end of the week and on my 36th birthday, I have realized that my past does not have to predict my future.  I have also realized that I am worth more than I think I am.  I don't have to sink low to have a man in my life.  That man has to come up to my level if he wants to be with me.  Psalm 139:14 states, I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  How dare we not think highly of ourselves; we're made in God's image!  What could be more beautiful than that?!?

Be blessed.

Awesome Sunday

Hey gang.

Sunday was wonderful.  We sang "Because of the Blood" Sunday morning at both services.  One person led it for the 8:30 service since I had to deliver the sermon.  I sang it during the 11:00 service.  I did some shoutin' myself. lol  I am sooooooo glad that we have a new musician.  He brings so much to the service.  So refreshing.

After that, I went to my friend Kyle Kelley's church and participated in his FLOW concert.  That, ma'am/sir, was an awesome experience!  There wasn't a format; it was all about flowing with the Spirit.  It lasted about 2 1/2 hours.  I felt refreshed again.

I was so tired when everything was over.  It was a different kind of tiredness, though.  It was one of those "I got things accomplished" kinds.  I was excited, happy, and drained at the same time.  I felt like God used me; wow!  That's it!  I became an empty vessel for God.  He filled me up, and used me all day to serve His people.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's what it's all about: serving God's kingdom!  We need to remember that we are vessels whose purpose is to be continually used by God for building His kingdom.  We want to sing songs like "Have Thine Own Way," but do we really mean it?  I am glad to answer a resounding YES!!!

What will your answer be?  Think about it...

Be blessed.

Sermon #3

I'm sitting here trying to work on my sermon for Sunday morning, but my mind has been occupied.  I thought that I knew what I was going to talk about, especially with everything that I've been through recently.  Honestly, I have no clue.  This past week has been filled with ups and downs... more downs.

How do you feel when you're rejected?  Upset? Hurt? Pissed?  Yeah, that's how I feel.  It's no one's fault but mine.  I fell for someone who didn't fall for me; he told me this week.  It hurts really bad, because I felt like we grew to know more about each other and understand each other more.  This guy makes me want to be more than what I am. Yeah, he still does.  I hated that I revealed my feelings to him.  It was only because he revealed his feelings (so I thought) to me.  I talked to God about how I felt, and He told me "Wait."  I thought I did.  In the end, I still got burned.

So now I'm at that point where I don't think I'll be found by a man who wants all of me, not just pieces of me.  I haven't been here in a long time; not even after leaving my last boyfriend last year.  Why is this effecting me like this?  I have no clue.  Y'all need to pray for your girl.  I'm trying to get him off my mind, but he keeps popping up like a whack-a-mole!  I needed that laugh.  Anyway, I gotta get myself together so I can preach to the congregation Sunday.  May need to fast for clarity.

Be blessed.

JEHOVAH-RAPHA

Hey gang.  I have some great news to share with you guys.  I need to start from the beginning with this one though, so here it goes...

The year 2004 was a rough year for me.  I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovaries Syndrome (PCOS), and pre-cancerous cells were discovered as well.  The cells were removed, but I was in a deep depression.  I attempted to take my life by swallowing a handful of vicodin and darvocet.  I shouldn't be alive today!

Fast forward to August 2011.  I have been dealing with severe pain in my hip area as well.  I went to the doctor to let her know what was happening.  I had an ultrasound and blood work done.  The next Monday after running all of the tests, my doctor called me and told me that there were fibroids in my uterus.  When I asked her about the lump near my hip in the groin area, she stated that it wasn't gynecological, and I need to see my regular doctor about it.

I talked to my family and a few friends about what was going on.  I decided to go on with the procedure, which is known as a hysteroscopy and d & c (dilation and curettage).

The procedure took place last Monday at a local hospital here in STL.  My mom and aunt/namesake went with me.  I went in a little nervous because I knew they were gonna have to cut the fibroids out...  Before I went into the operating room, I prayed to God.  I told him, "Father, I'm taking you with me to this room, and I know everything will be alright because You'll be there."

The procedure was supposed to last about an hour and a half... it lasted for a half an hour.  The doctor came out of the operating room to talk to my mom.  The doctor told my mom and aunt, "Well, we went in to get the fibroids, but they weren't there..." and she showed them the pictures.  My mom asked, "What about the PCOS?"  The doctor said, "There aren't any cysts.  There are enlarged blood vessels on one of them; that's it."  Then Mama asked, "What about the lump that was in her groin?"  The doctor said, "Yeah, it's not there..."

You know I'm crying as I'm typing this right? lol  I have been dealing with this mess inside me for seven (7) years!!!  To know that this mess was removed, and there was no cutting involved... You should be running around right now!!!

Jehovah-Rapha is the God who heals.  Knowing that it wasn't the doctors who removed the mess... it wasn't MAN... IT WAS GOD!!!!  This just proves that there is a greater being who deserves our Praise and our Worship.  GOD IS REAL!

I'm letting you know about what God has done for me because it is important for you to know and understand what God can do for you.  God is a God who doesn't need our help; yet, He uses us as His vessels, His living testimonies to witness to the world that He does exist and He does heal, and He does provide.  Whatever it is you need from God,  ask Him!  It may not happen when you want it to happen.  BUT, it will happen when it needs to.

Be blessed guys.  I know I am.  :-)