If you look at my recent picture, you would think I'm doing fine and I don't have too many worries in the world. Honey, I look like that because of MAC and Urban Decay. LOL It's funny how we put on our masks, our makeup to hide the scars and blemishes. Not just the visible ones, but the invisible scars as well. I'm talking about all of the hurt and pain that we deal with on an everyday basis. Every one of us deal with inner demons. It could be anger, sadness, self-degradation, alcoholism, even church hurt. For me, it's a little bit of all of them. My biggest demon is insecurity.
Growing up wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't all good. Without giving all the details, I witnessed some events in my life that I shouldn't have. I am also a victim of situations that were way beyond my control. There were times when I received verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from people who claimed to have loved me... my family. I was called fat, ugly, buffalo butt, and even bullied. All of that happened before I went to school. It wasn't too bad until I went to the fourth grade. I was bullied too many times to count by Carlos T. He would make fun of my size, pull my hair, and eventually beat me up on the playground. My teacher, Joyce Buck, didn't do much to prevent it. She later became a principal at the building where I worked. I remember when I fell and fractured my ankle. Buck saw that it was me on the ground, and she kept walking. Two weeks later, she wrote me up for not doing my full cafeteria duty... while I was in a cast!
Going back to elementary days... I transferred before fifth grade, and I was met by more bullies. There were these two guys who made fun of me, and called me... get this... GRACE JONES! First of all, I think Grace Jones is a beautiful woman. Her dark complexion is flawless to me. Second, I'm not even close to the same complexion! I'm much lighter, and I had long ponytails. Because I was a festively plump little girl, these boys decided to call me whatever they thought was not attractive.
The insults didn't stop there. I was also insulted as a kid at church. I can remember this lady... Sharon W. ...tell me, "You sounded really great, but your sister is pretty." Can you imagine being around ten years old, and hearing this from someone you thought was a pretty lady? I have to say that my mother came to my rescue that day. She heard her and said, "Both of my girls are pretty." The damage was already done though.
Hearing things like this from home, school and church can make a little girl feel worthless, sad, depressed, and lonely. You grow up having issues because of what affected you as a child, and the past hurts jeopardize the possibilities of having a happy, healthy relationship with anyone who comes your way. You feel as if you don't deserve their love and affection, and you say anything that you are feeling at that moment.
I have felt so worthless to the point of attempting suicide... three times. The last time was a bit rough. I took a handful of vicodin and prescription naproxen. I should be dead. God had another plan for me instead of death. I woke up after sleeping for almost 24 hours. I became depressed again, but God came to me and told me He wasn't through with me. He then told me to read Psalm 139. After reading the entire Psalm, I realized that if no one - including myself - had loving thoughts about me, God had more than plenty. God knew who I was before I was created, and he had purpose for my life. He still does!
I am still dealing with insecurity and depression everyday of my life. It's hard keeping it at bay when there are still people in my life spewing insults just because. The great thing is that there are more loving people in my life now than there are insulting idiots. They can still sometimes get to me; but because I know who I am and WHOSE I am, it doesn't hurt as much. I'm still feeling insecure when it comes to certain relationships, but I'm working on that. It's an everyday challenge, but I'm willing to take it on in order to gain happiness and joy in my life. You know, that's the thing. For the longest, I didn't think that I deserved to be loved by another person because of who I am, how I look, how I sound, my past mistakes, etc. I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be blessed beyond measure. My Father told me so.
I dedicate this blog entry to James Blaylock, Jr. He loved me the best way he knew how to until death. I miss you Daddy.
Be blessed.
