Dreamgirls or NWLC???

About a week ago, the Muny in St. Louis held auditions for their summer shows.  One of the shows that they are performing is Dreamgirls, starring the one and only Jennifer Holliday as Effie.  I was so excited to be a part of the show, so I decided that I would audition.  I went to the Muny webpage to check the show dates...July 16-22.  Awesome!

I then checked my e-mails, and I received something from worshipleader.com about the National Worship Leader Conference in Leawood, KS.  I checked it to see who would be presenting and performing at the conference.  Ricardo Sanchez and Israel Houghton are two of the main acts for the conference.  SWEET!  I am so determined to go this year.  To learn from these men of God would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I checked the conference dates... July 16-19.  Great... wait a minute!

Being a musician, it would be awesome to share the same stage as Tony and Grammy-Award winning Jennifer Holliday.  As a worship leader, it would be beneficial to learn what praise and worship is all about. WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

This is what I was thinking last week.  I told people that I was thinking about the audition, but in the back of my mind I was thinking more about how I was going to stay in Kansas for 4 days.  I talked to my Mama and sister about the conflict; I even talked to a couple of friends about it.  It all came down to these questions:  Which one would be more beneficial in the long run?  Which one am I first, a singer or a worshipper?

I decided not to audition.

I know, I know.  It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to perform with such a  powerhouse.  I had to look at what my life is calling me to do.  I have been called to be a praise & worship leader.  Not just for my church, but wherever I go. I recently led worship service at a Lutheran church here in St. Louis.  That is where God uses me to my capacity... that and pulpit supply, or preaching.  I have poured out onto my congregation and my praise team majority of the knowledge that I have, and I need a refill.  I can't get it through Dreamgirls.  I am so excited for the decision, and I'm more excited for the experiences that I will have at NWLC.

Be blessed.

The Man or the Connection?

So I'm sitting here at school trying to work on my sermon, but my mind has been on other subjects.  Particularly, the last person that I became interested in.  I will be honest with you:  I have been hurting for almost a year regarding my feelings for this guy.  I have known him for a long time... over ten years.  I considered him to be one of my best friends.  I was able to talk to him about everything, including things that I couldn't talk to my mother about.  He was always there for me with words of encouragement and chastisement when needed.  I knew that I could trust him with my life.

Last year, we started getting closer.  We became really comfortable with each other, and started talking more about what was going on in our lives.  I talked about why I left my previous relationship, and he started talking more about his.  Then in May, it happened.  He started flirting.  I was at first resistant because I knew that he was just hurting and he needed an outlet.  I said nothing, and I did nothing... at least I thought I did.  Two months later, we finally revealed our feelings to one another.  The only difference was that he developed feelings within a few months.  I developed feelings within almost 2 years.  Feelings were expressed, and a connection was made.  Unfortunately, that connection was not felt the same way.  For him, the connection was a possible escape from the problems he was dealing with.  For me, the connection was a feeling of euphoria.  I have been in relationships before, but I never experienced anything like this.  

Time has past, and he is still in his relationship.  It hurts like hell.  I have been wondering why I could be so foolish to develop feelings for someone who did not feel for me, what I feel for him.  Yeah, I still have feelings; can't turn them off like a light switch, although it would be so easy if I could.  I hate that we could look in each other's eyes and feel something without saying anything. I hate that this person inspires me to be more and do more than what I'm doing now.  I started working on a jazz set list because of him; I even started writing songs because of him.  I'm not a songwriter! Yet, I've have written a particular song that I know will bless people.  Since I have tried to let go of my feelings, I have lost the will to write, and I'm letting go of singing jazz.  I'm doing my best to consume myself with ministry.  I've started reading the Word more, listening to my podcasts from Church of the Resurrection, and buying new gospel cd's.  Nothing has worked.  I tried to go to sleep last night listening to one of my cd's, and I couldn't do it.  I started analyzing what I was listening to; the musicality, the instrumentation, everything.  That's something that he would do.  I couldn't take it, so I turned my music off.  I laid in my bed and started praying and crying to God.  I prayed that he would take this hurt away.  I then wondered if I was going through this because of mistakes that I have made in the past.  

My last relationship lasted 4 years.  It ended because he didn't have time for me.  He worked on his job everyday, and worked on cars almost every night.  He invested in Halloween animatronics and old cars more than in our relationship.We grew apart, and our relationship ended after I betrayed him.

You may be asking: why are you telling us all of this De-Rance?  Here's the thing. I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.  I'm definitely not going to be the last.  Hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes before making their own.  I digress...

During the 4-year period, I never felt a true connection.  I loved him, but I was never truly in love.  I was with him, and I stayed with him because I felt like there was no one else in the world who would want to be with me.  He liked holding me.  He liked being around me, whenever he made time.  I got tired of not having a lot of that time with him, so I looked elsewhere.  I broke everything off, knowing what I did.  I haven't told him, because it turns out that every woman who has left him has done the same thing.  Kind of rough, right?

So then I have this connection with a guy who I've known forever.  It's something that I've never tapped into, and it's a feeling that I know I want again.  I have started to ask myself, was I in love with the person, or was I in love with the connection?  Will I ever experience that type of connection again?  I don't have the answers right now.  What I do know is this.  I keep hearing the word, "Wait."  I have heard that word since the beginning of last summer.  I've heard it through the Word, when people have preached, and even from Him.  During the fall, I was feeling down until I read His Word one night.  It was another scripture that told me to wait.

I recently talked to the guy and told him that I was going to stop the frequent phone calls and texts, because it was torture for me.  I revealed the way I truly felt.  I told him that I was in love with him, and my heart hurts because I knew that he does not feel the same way.  He is still a good friend of mine, but a distant friend.  I only talk to him about ministry and business stuff.  I am concentrating more on what God wants me to do, but it's hard because he was one of the major influences in what I do.  I know that I will get through this with God's help.

OK.  Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I think I can work on my sermon.  I'm preaching on what our church recognizes to be Transfiguration Sunday.  It's the moment when Jesus is on the mountain, and His glory is revealed as he is joined by Elijah and Moses.  The wheels are turning.  Gotta go!

Be blessed.

Don't feel bad; they hate me too.

Hey there.  I know it's been forever since I've blogged on here.  A lot has been going on.  Where should I start?

So... I went to visit family and friends in Omaha, NE for New Year's.  I had a blast spending time with old and new friends.  I realized that I am friends with some of the most talented musicians out there.  No, really.  These guys travel everywhere to play in concerts and on recordings.  They're that talented... oh wait!  They've been on some of the same recordings as I... I'm that talented too! lol

Anyway, I sang at two churches while I was there.  I sang at Salem Baptist Church for their New Year's Night Watch service.  That service was awesome; better than what I thought it would be.  Sunday morning, I ended up singing at a cousin's church.  The service started at 11, and ended at 2.  Being a United Methodist, I ain't used to that anymore.  That's right, I typed ain't.  I can't really describe the service by typing; you have to hear me in order to get a full glimpse of what happened.

Tuesday morning, I flew from Omaha to Grand Rapids, Michigan to audition for a background singer position with Marvin Sapp.  The audition went pretty well.  It was for 30 seconds though.  Anyway, I flew back to Omaha, and stayed there until Wednesday afternoon.

A few weeks later, I was talking to a friend of mine while preparing for a performance.  He was feeling down because of issues at home.  Unfortunately, the issues at home were spilling out to other entities in his life.  Long story short, my MD had to stop being my MD, and he couldn't play for me anymore for anything.  I was hurt, but I somewhat understood that he had to take care of home first.  A couple of days later, we had a deep conversation.  I found out that there were more issues going on besides the ones at home, and I was one of the issues.  Honestly, I was shocked.  What really shocked me is that someone whom I have known for over 30 years would assume that I would jeopardize someone else' marriage.  I later found out that there were other people talking and assuming the same thing.

I was hurt!  I was upset!  I was pissed off!  Why would people talk about me like this?  What did I do to deserve this?  I spent a few days talking to my true, best friends about the situation.  While talking to one of them, I broke down and started crying because I couldn't believe that people would think so low of me to start talking about me like this.  I would never dream of doing something so hurtful and shady to my friend, yet she started to believe it.  It started affecting me physically.  My back started hurting again; I got really sick Sunday morning before ministering at a visiting church; I couldn't think straight.

I prayed about it, and God answered me through His word.  I opened my bible, and ended up at John 15:18 & 19.  It states in the New International Version:  "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."


I then remembered that whenever something good is about to happen in my life, that is when I have to go through trials.  I also remembered that the enemy uses his old tricks, with new people.  He usually selects people that you would not ever expect.  That way, you can get even more distracted from whatever it is God wants you to do to build His kingdom.  


Later on Sunday evening after the Super Bowl, I went onto Facebook and Twitter and changed my status to this:

To the haters, naysayers, and others that want to spread lies about me... you're only making me stronger. Thanks. :-)

I'm not going to let the enemy and/or his village idiots distract me from the prize that God has for me.  I've come too far, and I have a lot more work to do. I believe that as long as I keep myself prayed up... and my true prayer warriors keep praying for me... then the enemy's weapons will not prosper.  

I'll write again soon.  I promise. :-)

Be blessed.