Last Girl Standing

Have you ever been the kid in school who was picked last for sports teams in gym? Two of your classmates have to pick other classmates to make teams, and you look up and realize you're on a team cause you're the last girl standing. It's happened to me a lot... ok, all the time. I was never good at sports. I played instruments, not outside. I have always been an introvert anyway. Being teased half of my life helped with that as well.

As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel.  I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.

I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.

I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.

Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.

I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!

I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.

Be blessed.

Plans???

These past few days have been bad. I found myself falling into a deep depression. I started thinking about where I am in my life, and I began to feel disappointment, anger, and pain. I alienated myself from family and I stayed home alone on Christmas Day. People were calling and texting me. My sister even came over to see me. I didn't answer the door, since I was asleep anyway. I haven't talked to anyone, and it's Friday.

It's something when you do what you hope is God's will. I resigned from 3 jobs in St. Louis to move to Atlanta. Everything hasn't been going the way I expected. I've lost one uncle; another uncle has been diagnosed with colon cancer and is going through chemotherapy; I lost a family friend as well; and I got into a car accident on my way home. All of that happened within August and September.

I'm solely depending on my mother for EVERYTHING. She's taking care of me financially now, and I honestly don't like it. I appreciate everything that she does - don't get me wrong - but, I'm not the type of person who wants my bills paid by someone else. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, and to have that independence taken away is hellacious.

It's hard giving up everything to follow God's calling. Very hard. People call themselves bible scholars and Word followers, but how many are ready to follow His will? Matthew 16:24 states in the NIV, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." 

A lot of times, you hear from ministers that you don't appreciate what you have or where your help comes from until you've hit rock bottom. I say it's rubbish. When I had my jobs, I knew that God was still the provider. I acknowledged him as a healer when he healed my aunt from breast cancer in 1997. I didn't have to wait for my turn to have pre-cancerous cells and fibroids in my body to give God the praise that is due to Him. I was already healed mentally from the childhood demons, i.e. bullying, sexual abuse, etc. So my question is this: how much more do I have to go through, when I already recognize where my surplus comes from? How much more do I have to take my mother through? HOW MUCH MORE GOD?!?!? 

I'm in my room at home in St. Louis listening to music for a recording I'm participating in next month. I hear one of the songs written by Chris Watkins, and it's written with Jeremiah 29:11 in mind. The scripture states, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

I had to take a break because I couldn't see my screen through my tears...

It's hard to keep this in mind when you're going through crap. My cousin is FINALLY getting married and his family will be complete; my sister is a little over a year into her marriage, and her husband loves her unconditionally. I'm still alone. I've been alone since 2010, and it's hard when your last relationship was the only somewhat stable relationship you've ever had in life. (The first relationship was a bust. I was cheated on because I was a virgin. Go figure.) Now I'm surrounded by friends and family who have significant others, starting families, and have love. How do you not want to Mama Pope your wrists when there's NO ONE out there who wants to love you?

Then I read that God does have plans for my life... I wonder if it includes love. I wonder if it includes re-gaining my independence. I wonder if it includes happiness and joy. Only God knows, because I surely don't.

Until then, be blessed guys.

Moving Forward

It's been forever since I've blogged.  A whole lot has happened.  The biggest thing is I have moved from St. Louis to Atlanta.  I resigned from my 3 jobs for this move.  I am not regretful at all; this move is much bigger than what I think.  I have to admit; I miss my mom and sister sooooo much.  I said 'bye' to Mama the morning I left.  I didn't cry until she left for work.  Cooky came down to Atlanta with me, and she flew back home the next day.  Saying 'bye' to her was really rough.  I cried like a baby when we hugged.  I didn't want to let go, but I did and I watched her walk into the airport.

Since I've been in Atlanta, I unfortunately had a death in the family.  My uncle Ronnie passed away after having complications during a routine colonoscopy.  It was not the procedure that killed him; he failed to mention to the doctors his heart condition and the fact that he had diabetes.  I couldn't be home for his memorial service since classes started at seminary the same day.  Oh!  I didn't tell you.  I'm in Atlanta going to Gammon Theological Seminary, part of the Interdenominational Theological Center on the Clark-Atlanta University campus.  That's right; I'm back in school!  I'm staying in the Gammon dorm, in a room by myself equipped with its own bathroom. Thank God for the little things.  Tomorrow I'm going to visit the United Methodist church that's two blocks away from the ITC.

So how is Atlanta?  I live literally five minutes away from downtown.  That's really not new to me.  When I grew up in St. Louis, I lived about five minutes away from downtown... when my parents were married, that is.  I can see the skyline down the street from the entrance to the ITC.  The program I have enrolled in will take about 3 years, but I am more than determined to finish this race.  I have something that I didn't have before; confidence in myself.

If anything else happens, I'll do my best to blog about it. Until then...

Be blessed my loves!