Last Girl Standing

Have you ever been the kid in school who was picked last for sports teams in gym? Two of your classmates have to pick other classmates to make teams, and you look up and realize you're on a team cause you're the last girl standing. It's happened to me a lot... ok, all the time. I was never good at sports. I played instruments, not outside. I have always been an introvert anyway. Being teased half of my life helped with that as well.

As I have grown, I have realized that I'm still the last girl standing... at least that's how I feel.  I'm a 38 year old black woman, who recently moved from St. Louis to Atlanta, and I am still single. My sister has been married for over a year now, and my cousin who's 6 days older is about to FINALLY tie the knot with his fiance of ... um... I can't remember how long they've been engaged. All I know is they've been on and off since 1997. It's 2013; you do the math. My main friends are either in relationships or married with families.

I feel like that last girl waiting to be picked again. I don't have children because I wanted to do the right thing: wait until I get married. I thank God that I have succeeded with this goal. However, I am at that point of my life. You know; that point where your biological clock is ticking, if there's even a working battery in it. It's been over 3 years since I was in a somewhat steady relationship, and I'm in the middle of getting over a broken friendship that should have never become more than that.

I often wonder if my prayers are in vain. I prayed a long time ago for specific things in my life. The answer I received was one word: WAIT. I have heard 'wait' for 2 and a half years now. I have been single just as long as I've heard that word. I even received word from someone that God hears me and knows the desires of my heart, and I should hear more a year from that time. The last week of November marked that time passed, and I have heard absolutely nothing regarding my heart and my desires. No, really. I have heard nothing from God regarding this subject this past year.

Don't get me wrong: I know that God answers prayers. He healed me and has sustained me since I've left my jobs to do His will. At the same time, I wonder if God picks the prayers, then places them in a line on a conveyor belt that moves slowly to determine when our prayers are answered.

I try to stay upbeat and be the happy fat girl. That's what people expect; they want us to be jolly all the time. Guess what? I'm not jolly! I'm not even joyful right now, and it's the holiday season! I'm in a depressed state right now, and jovial is not my middle name! It's hard when you look around and realize that everyone is paired up and you're the lone person. It sucks... no, really. IT SUCKS!!!

I'm going to make my peppermint tea and watch bridal shows... alone... in my pajamas.

Be blessed.